In Flames

Five years passed

Since I sat watching

The face that raised me

Propped, cardboard prosthetics

Forming strange countenance

Ready to go

Strange too, this feeling

You, in a box, ready

And me, watching

The face that raised me

Ready to go

Into flames

These were your wishes

Decided, after all, naked

And following, swallowed

Swallowed by the great one

Countered with brine

Strange though it was

To sit by you, watching

Floating, still shaken

Flowers ’round your head

The caked foundation

Hastily applied

Over fake arches

And greying mottled skin

Pretty, they tried to make you

Smiling, they tried to mold you

Strange, almost laughing

Darkness peeking through

Sitting there, watching

You in a box, naked

Ready

Into flames

The face that raised me

I remember

Mussels in seaweed

I finally let the last of you

~Questing~

Vision

Vision, Quest

Vision Questing for a Vision

Crying

Crying, Quest

Crying Questing for a Vision

Fasting

Fasting, Quest

Fasting Questing for a Vision

Fasting

Fasting?

Does this shadow hold the keys?

Full participation

In village witness

Ceremonial holding

Mythological re-weaving

Does this shadow hold the keys?

Far off in dusty deserts

This rite beckons

But not now, not yet

For now, it is receiving

Receiving

Receiving, Quest

Receiving as Questing for a Vision

Fullness

Fullness, Quest

Fullness Questing for a Vision

Sitting with waves of terror

Receiving, not fasting, cracking open

Feeding, ceremony

On wild lands, hawk and vulture witness

Sitting out, sitting in

Circle, Utiseta

Utiseta, faring forth

Journeying, singing ancient emblems

Into Winds

With fullness, receiving

With pleasure, receiving

With sacred witness, receiving

Midnight forests holding me

Sitting out

Taking in

Singing out

Receiving

Fullness

Receiving

Whispers

Receiving

Lightning

Vision

Questing

Freedom

She rises, arms outstretched

A bright beam penetrates the pane

Lap warming

A moment, with feline vibrations

Soft fur, gliding beneath palm

Transitioning, transitioning

Breath

Dream to waking

A vision emerges, the image nation beckoning

A purpose, a plan, a grand plot for the day

It fills her with Fire, an excitement for living

To do this one thing, this one thing

In the minutes of the sun

Hand gliding

Across feline vibrations

All mindforms redirect to this creation

And a deep sigh comforts for what is beyond

She pauses, she opens, she forms

Without deliberation, she’s now in the kitchen

Feeling into what deliciousness can be received, as fuel

Her senses guide her, plump peaches gleam

The cool, smoothness of vanilla to greet them

She feels, with her mind

A dancing across her tongue

Instantaneous

Without deliberation

She’s pulling them close, plopping and slicing

Swirling admiration of how chunk and silk and silver

Arrange in vessel

Together, inside her, without deliberation

A deep sigh comforts for what is entering

Fuel for the larger, the beyond, that which keeps beckoning

The vision, beyond, this sense explosion

Calls to her

Satiation guides, and she rises

Now letting the cool water trickle over

Clearing, clarifying the weighty brown ceramic

The spoon

Gleaming, gleaming in her wet hands

And pulsing, now, stronger

The visions, grand purpose

Call her, undeniable strength

Away from the kitchen

She knows not when she’ll return

She trusts it

And full belly moves into

Manifesting the dream

The sensation explosion

Controlling, plotting, leading into, moving out of

No longer is all that matters

The visions, grand purpose

Calls her, undeniable strength

Away from the kitchen

She knows not when she’ll return

The feline, vibration, reminds her

She trusts it

And full belly moves into

Manifesting the dream

~Messenger~

Somedays I feel you

So close

Soft, ancient feathers inside thighs

We’re soaring, lightning

From Mystery to Manifest

Vibrations, great warbles

Shudder through my casing

My fingers, gripping

Ever fearing the end

Riding, this fire

Mouth open

I remember aliveness

I remember purpose, initiatic

I remember voice, cawing

I remember…alive, clear

This

So unlike the Darkness

The stillness

Etheric goo of Void

More often than not

My thighs feel Nothing

Aside from the air

Hovering, directionless

There, more often than not

Is vast, open, empty space

Potential, and

Mystery

With no function

In such embodied worlds

Hovering, this potential

Yearns for your feathers

Pressing between me, inside

To ride, to become

To carry this Mystery, on lightning

Skilled

To its place in the world

Reception, form, purpose, home

Ten stations, looming

And dull eggtooth

Pecking

Thickness overwhelming

And aching

To ride you

Sounding Mystery

Sounding Message

Riding, lightning

Messenger

Come

Returning

Returning, returning

Always keep returning

To the scene of the crime

Struggling

Scraping

Thrashing

Pressing

Wailing

Against these walls

For a moment or two

The box becomes bigger

And ahhhh, sigh…..

But returning

Returning

At some point always

Returning

To the scene of the crime

Commonly, to push through

Ensures probable long-term

Shifting

Perseverance, toughness

Not letting walls win

Unsuccessful, upon pressure

Over and over

Returning

Always returning

Unsuccessful,

Lurching in abysmal hopelessness

Returning, another round

Broken, open

Tools, spent

The question starts forming

Why

Does this body

Want to go back?

Spirals, spiraling

Years of pursuit and defeat

And now

The question

Is there wisdom in the

Returning

Is there wisdom in the

Struggle

Is there wisdom, hidden

In the symptom of return?

Turning towards

Instead of pushing forward

The question, holding

The question, exploring

The question, honoring

The question

Asking

Why do you keep returning?

Why do I keep returning?

Is there a who, urging returning?

Same numbers

Same boxes

Same terror

Hovering ’round

The scene

Of the crime

Returning, returning

Spiral, spiraling

Wisdom, not pushing

Wisdom, turning into

Wisdom, asking

Wisdom?

Asking

Returning

Sisters

Slowly, like moon emerging from cloudy bank

They came

Circling, circling, circling me

In their Love

Out from weathered, beaten cold

The Badlands, wandering

Androgeny outcast always thought I’d be

Never had I known the medicine

Of sisters

Circling, circling, circling me

In their Love

A silent Love

A listening Love

A knowing Love

A sometimes screaming, dancing, howling Love

Here, no answers

Here, no fixing

Here, no labels

Here, in their Love

Tomboy, trying to make it alone

Whittled down, rascally

Trying…to become a man?

Connection never found

Odd one in the mosh pit

Odd one in the catty conversations

Trying

Finding home

Only in deep forests, outside

But here, in their Love

I was surprised to find

Human eyes holding me

How could eyes hold me?

To depths I’d never felt

With understanding I’d never felt

Woman

The power of deep Woman

Medicine holding me

Circling, circling, circling me

In their Love

In Her Love

To whatever conjured

Finding the Sisters

And

Sisters finding me

I am forever grateful

For their remembering

I am Woman

Circling, circling, circling

Medicine

Deep forest

In Her Love

Coverage

the System says

everything’s okay

how is it then

i feel like i’m dying

invisible pain, from waking til rest

extreme anxiety and overwhelm

at each new turn

tossing turning

every single night

terrors of vision

haunting me

a small, small life

squeezing

empty

and dry

the System says

everything’s okay

no signs on the screen

how is it then

i feel like i’m dying

past experience shows

emergency begets real help

i know how to do emergency

i need real help

but do i have to create emergency

again

to get it?

how i yearn for

the level of care

the level of seriousness

the level of focus

the level of support

the level of transformation

the level of

Coverage

that emergency seems to yield

but i don’t want to do this anymore

this starving, torturing of dear body

just to get

to this level

just to qualify

for this level

how can i

access this level

without

bringing myself to emergency?

surely there must be another way

its the only way this psyche knows

and so it expresses

to the System, hoping

but please

tell me there’s another path

to address this feeling

to address this suffocating

to address this pain

to address this

dying

to get Coverage

than to put myself

through the crucifixion

again

so they

will see

is it me

or is it the System

that creates such a desperate need

to qualify

for Coverage

((a note from the Underworld times))

Knocking, Reversed

The vibrations, jarring

(I don’t want to do this again)

Knocking

Same story, same outcome

They’re always trying to use the System

Knocking

Knocking.

She, she’s knocking, I know that vibration

(I don’t want to do this again)

Open, I see you

Rage, like lightning, bolts through

Attacking, jousting

All I want to do is slay.

Slay that demon inside you

Wake you up from that dream

Get you off your sorry-ass victim horsey.

Usually, I win

Usually, I penetrate

Usually, I hear my voice echo, triumphant

Over yours

Smaller

So much

Smaller.

But this time

(I don’t want to do this again)

You’re not responding

You’re not fighting

You’re not reacting

This, this seems to be a different kind

Of demon

And I look in your eyes

And you look into mine

And I don’t know who is what

And my voice cracks

And I stumble.

Remembering, quickly remembering

I shore myself up

And pretend

But you standing

But you looking

But you, curling hand back to heart

Staring

Something is different.

My heart hurts

And I feel very strange

But I know what I have to do

And read off of

The system generated steps

The typical offered plan.

I’m thankful for this script

As my center is evaporating quickly

My tower crumbling

(I’m a good builder so I quickly replace the bricks)

But you standing

But you turning

But you, not fighting

I’ve forgotten what’s next

I just watch you walk away

And try to forget

I don’t want to do this again

Knocking

Limping, exhausted, overwhelmed

I arrive at your door

Again.

I’ve stayed away from this portal

As for so many years

Over and over

When it opens,

It hurts.

This door of “healing”

Systemic scientifically proven

Cold lenses full of

Twisting realities

Shaming

Preconceived notions

Tales of resistance and

Non-compliance

Before

I say

A word.

I’ve been trying to find my way out here

Alone

Amongst the wind

Amongst the death

Amongst the hopelessess, terror and fear

Amongst this collective self-destruction

I’ve been trying

Trying to see myself anew

Trying to see this world anew

Trying to hold hope, shining

That really, there’s something sacred going on

That really, with faith, we can make magic

That really, these wounds are teachers

Showing us the way home

If we could listen.

I’ve been grateful

I’ve been in surrender

I’ve adapted

To the incredibly tiny trauma world

That keeps me, and perhaps you, safe.

But now the nightmares

Now the pain

Now the plummeting evidence of lifeforce

Declining earth within me

Stares back, gaping.

Now, body revolting

Now, soul refusing

This cage, ancestrally repeating.

I know what will help me

The vastness, potential of deep soma, holding

Facing terror with arms around me

But lacking privilege

I turn to the only source I can afford

Hoping

This time it will be different.

I pray to the invisible potentials

To show me something different

To open me to something new

To help me stretch beyond my assumptions

Of what I will be met with.

I show up at your door

Limping, exhausted, overwhelmed

Frustrated at my own failed heartful attempts

Frustrated that the spiral keeps spinning

That my mind keeps collapsing

Frustrated that I’m here, again.

Knocking,

The door opens

You stand there

And instead of holding

Instead of asking

Instead of listening

Once again

You hold out your list

And begin to remind me

Of the mistake you see me as

Of all of my failures

Of what I should have done

Could have done

Were I really “ready.”

My mouth opens

My voice tries to speak

My fires try to rise, defending

This wounded one, returning

But blankness prevails

Although simmering beneath

Silence prevails

All I can hear is the next item

On your system-generated list

My hand retreats

From its hopeful opening

Back into my chest

Curled inward.

At least this time

My frozenness thaws

So I can see

So I can see your heart, broken

Your wildness, shackled

Your soul, grieving

So I can see,

And finally walk away.

Turning,

Away from knocking,

I step out of the stream of your misery

And back into my own Love

Ever-searching

Again.

Testing, Testing…1,2,3

Crumpled and tiremarked

A disposable mask flutters across the road

Opened tubes, drop laden cartridges

Overflow receptacles

Another swab, another swirling of saliva

Another

15 minutes

Another, grateful, sigh of relief

Grateful for this privilege, time, communication

Grateful for science

And for possibly true proof

That restrictions will not descend

That health is clear

Possible, only possible

Attempts

To understand

Mysterious illusory possible truths

Ones worth fighting for

Ones worth suspecting for

Ones worth judging for

In three drops

In 15 minutes

All these etiquettes

All these plastic remains

All these flattened, discarded shields

Blowing across highways

Another illness, another industry

Possible, only possible

Sighs of (naive?) relief

Hope

Gratitude

And rumbling paradoxical questions

Of control

Of illusion

Of industry

Of privilege

Of truth.

Questions in

15 minutes,

Waiting.

Grateful,

And questioning.

And testing…

Testing…

1,2,3