The Kitchen Witch

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She throws off the sheepskin

Stretching her wiry body that’s been through so much

She smiles, taking in this simple home she’s created

A hearthfire crackles in the corner

The scent of woodsmoke fills the air

She

Is happy

.

Shuffling into the kitchen

Before her are odd shaped and gleaming

Glass jars filled with all sorts of herbal beauties

Golds and greens and sunflower yellows

One in particular calls her aim

.

Trusting

She pulls down the shining canister

And shakes a bit of the plant into a pot

Cold water trickles from the well-sourced tap

A match hisses as she brings the stovetop to life

.

Humming and stirring

She’s thinking of magic

All of the things she’d like to bring in

Stories are words, words given meaning

And speaking them, infusing

Like matchlight, will bring them to life

.

What stories she wonders

Does she want to create and dance in today?

Here she lies focus, here she sings into being

.

The Kitchen Witch

She dances in the kitchen

She thinks back to times

When this place was but a cage

She recalls the journey, the transmutation

From being assigned to duty here

From being accused of poisonings and torture here

Through the epigenetic spirals

She’s arrived, finally

To delighting in creation here

At her healing cauldron

.

For her

Only for her

And when she wishes,

She crafts things here for others

And when she wishes

She invites the young ones

So struggling with nourishment

And body

And being alive in this cold, confusing world

Sometimes, when she wishes

She sits them right down at her splintering wooden table

And they drink tea

And talk about dreams

And look out the window onto her garden

.

The Kitchen Witch

She remembers

She re-members

She hums and she stirs

She focuses her stories, her words, her

Spell-ing

Into the waiting and willing plant potions before her

She feels the soft fur of the familiar brushing against her ankles

She smiles

She is grateful

For this long road

And how the magic

Of the Kitchen Witch

Found its way

Into her heart

Gates And Lizards

Finally

I stand here at the gate

The gate of small dreams

The gate of what was once

Unaccomplishable

.

No longer am I hiding under covers

Racked by waves of grief

Fearing defeat

Raging at the uselessness of it all

.

I am here

At the gate

.

I step through the splintering brackets

And onto the once familiar path

Sandy dust kicking up

My mind in meditation as I face the danger

.

I cry out to the spirits

My spirit that has brought me here

That has enabled hope and vision

That has given me courage to try

To this I ask for removal

Of all thoughts

Of all beliefs

Of all programming

At the root of this struggle

Releasing what oils the wheels of its persistence

I cry out

I ask

.

I keep walking, slowly

One foot in front of the other

So much slower than this goal driven goat once was

I feel into my body

I ask for its guidance

I ask

What the first place of rest

Will be

.

I keep walking

I keep listening

And at a moss-laden trunk’s reaching

I know it is where I should stop

While I’m ahead

My fire

It wants to push on, scout the next curve

Reach the vista

But I know, my body is teaching

.

So I stop

And I look out from this shaggy tree

I see glimmers of a view

I see oaks and pines and soaring hawk

I see

Where I am

I see

Where I have brought myself

I see

Hope for the next leg of the journey

In time

In time

.

I begin to descend

From this short test of possibility

And in front of me

Is a large lizard

Frequent to these dry, dusty trails

I think nothing of it

Expecting it to scurry as I pass

.

But the lizard

He remains

He stares straight at me

Even as I inch closer

Even as the threat of me

Shadows over him

.

He stays

And my fantastical child mind

Asks

“Sacred Lizard!

Sacred Fire Elemental Being!

Why have you stopped me

Here in my tracks?

What message do you want

To deliver?”

I stop

I listen

I hear the slight rustle of the leaves

I hear a faint cry of a raptor

I feel the momentary dread that there will be no answer

And then I hear

“Who is the dreamer?

And who is the dreamed?

Who

Is dreaming you?

Is it you?

Is it you?”

.

Knowing not if it is he

Or I

That spoke this truth, this riddle

Regardless

I listen, I absorb

And then

I start to sing

I sing to the lizard

I sing to the ancients

I sing to the thoughtforms

And beliefs

And programs that have kept me safe

By creating these struggles

By weaving this dream

I sing to them all

I sing to them all

.

I know it is time to leave

And the lizard stays

I have to walk around his grand presence, in fact

I look back and he’s still staring at me

I turn

And descend

.

Filled with the questions

Sparked with hope

And having felt magic

I know I will be back

To step through the gate

To let loose the scaffolds

To scout another twist

To try again

Soon

Who Am I

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Exercise One: Who am I?

.

I am a woman

I am a prisoner in my body

I am 50 years old

I am someone who has been through a lot

I am someone who has felt strong as a result of this

I am someone who usually sees the positive in things

I am compassionate

And

I am angry

I am scared

I am tired of being in pain

I am not sure I can keep doing this

I am a shell of who I used to be

I am tired of feeling fragile and powerless

I am tired of being sick and unable to do the things I love

I am not sure what to say anymore

I am not sure who I am anymore

I am nothing

I am nothingness

I am presence

I am acceptance

And

I am rage, resenting

I am a fire burning, perhaps burning clean

I am a Tower

I am crumbling

I am old foundations disappearing

I am all comforts and surety erasing

And when this is done, I hope

I hope I am dancing

I hope I am laughing

I hope I am writing

I hope

I am free

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Solutio

Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Pexels.com

She’s dissolving,

Again

Flesh evaporating like steam,

Again

Waking…empty, confused

Again

.

A hunger so deep

A terror so vast

They are battling,

Again

.

The cycle, repeating

Again

The same damn excuses,

Again

The doors not opening,

Again

Body rejecting nutrients,

Again

.

But something’s different

This time

This time

She’s angry

And wailing

Unlike the passive defeat

So

Many

Times

Before

.

This time

She’s angry

This time

She showed up

Screaming, and yelling

And yearning, and slobbering

And wanting

Wanting

Wanting

So

Much

To change

.

This time

She pounded

Fist to your pine-laden floor

Growling, bursting

Demanding

This has to end!

She howled

Over and over again

She howled

This has to end!

And you

In what may be the fiercest love

Just circled her

Holding gently

And letting her dissolve

Into particle tears

Absorbing

And rocking

And letting this old, old way

Have voice, and volume and fear

So that all of the creatures of the forest

Flee

.

You held her

Dissolving

And let the awful silence

Of her disappearing

And the next steps,

Not knowing

And the horrid, horrid

Wanting

You let it

Be

Grimoire: Honor The Need

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Honor the need

A need to feel clean

A need to create safe containers

A need to clear toxic energy

A need to be involved in ritual

A need to be near the line

Of life and death

.

A need to see the bones

A need for a way

For a simple, primal constitution

To deal with choice overwhelm

In a world with too much everything

.

A need for clarity

A need for an altered state

A need to not feel so fucking lost and confused

A need to find a way, any way

To say NO

.

These needs

Once funneled into decimating compulsions

Found a way to be transferred

These needs

Honored for their message

Somehow transformed

Into wild and witchy practices

Done naked in the moonlight

.

The need to clean, cleanse, clear

Found other ways to release

Found other ways to abstain

Found other ways to create space

For vision, and safety and the

Ability to scream no

Found other ways

Instead of this flesh-theater

The daily behaviors, and the stage on which it

Struggled, desperately, to communicate

.

I sit at my altar

Cleansing smoke swirling in the air

Measuring my ingredients down to the gram

Chemical reactions will not occur

Without the precision I’ve honed

This is necessary

For alchemy

Humming, chanting

I use sharp knives

To slice through invisible cords

That attempt to suck my lifeforce

From all directions

I cut them, I clear them, I burn them

I

Have found another way

.

Ritual

I write out my fears

Cleansing

Measuring

Simplifying those words

Putting containers around them

Saying it all, as intensely as I starved it

Creating a safe space

A container for the raw truths

To finally find your eyes

Ritual

I press record

Blink, blink red on the microphone

I transform dark emotions

Screaming

Screaming

Screaming out

What I used to use withering to express

Ritual

I hunt down carcasses

I watch the skin peel off bone

Bubbling in brine

I hold the festering mass

And finally, the clean remnants

I wear upon my chest

.

These are only a few of the ways

Honoring the need

And transforming them

A need to feel clean

A need to create safe containers

A need to clear toxic energy

A need to be involved

In Ritual

A need to be near the line

Of life and death

A need to see the bones

A need for this simple, primal constitution

A need for clarity

A need for an altered state

A need to not feel so fucking lost and confused

A need to find a way, any way

To say NO

.

I’ve found it

I keep finding it

I’ll probably always be at work

In this candle-lit laboratory of the imperfect realms of healing

But first

And always

And forever

More

I remember I must

Honor

The need

Grimoire: Holy Roots

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This is not a glorification

But an exploration

A

Questioning

.

What lies beneath

The veneer of psychiatric diagnosis

The attempt to box in

The wideness, the vastness, the depth

Of what a soul is truly living

In this lifetime

Across centuries

In their own bodies

And perhaps

The traumas and wisdoms inherited

How can this be lassoed into a code

.

This is not a glorification

But an exploration

A

Questioning

For instance,

Of the roots

To the incredible and terrifying

Pull towards starving the self,

Of what urges move a person

To come so close to the brink of death

Beyond the need for prideful appreciation

Of external appearances

Of what lies beneath

This seemingly macabre practice

.

Although such actions appear crazy

And pills are at the ready to

Bring the sufferer back to “normal”

Why are no efforts made

Why no attention paid

To the history of fasting

As ritual, as rite of passage

Why not

At the same time as necessary treating, feeding

An exploring of the need to honor, and update the ancestral lineage

Not just shame and re-cover

This precious pulling

.

Why no contemplation

On the possibilities

Of the drastic behaviors leading to institutions

As being an unconscious need for dismemberment, separation

From enmeshed family systems, from unwell tribe?

Why no efforts made

At looking to the archetypes

The Ascetic

The Monk

The Nun

The self-immolating

Witch

Who has taken the external inquisition of yore

Upon herself to display?

.

Why no questioning

Of possible cellular memories, unearthing

Waking up in a lifetime, reeling

With no tools, no guide

And certainly no place

In a high school?

.

Yes, science, I know

Yes, double blind studies, I know

Yes, things we can see and touch and monitor

I know

.

But

What may they be trying to teach

These ones, struggling with unreasonable urges of death

Isolation, and unshakeable need

To practice cruel, strict regimen

That strips them to core

.

Why no attention paid to

The fact they may be

Canaries in the coal mine

Harbingers reflecting the morass

Of twisted expectations we face daily

Screaming at us with bones jutting

Mirroring what we are doing to ourselves

Just how starved the soul of our species might be?

.

I wish there were

Past life explorations

And contemplations

Of political protesters

Of Gandhi and Cesar Chavez

Of Siddhas alchemizing world pain

Of Ramadan

Of the Seventeenth of Tamuz

Of Vrata

Of Sallekhana

Of Nigredo, Albedo

Of Lent and all the age-old practices

That may be arising in their bones

.

I wish there were

Talks of an empath nature

Simply explaining that for some

Things feel like too much

And of course

Reducing, measuring, clearing feel good

They are the only tools at hand

In this cultural waste land

Why no validation of this possible fact

While also finding ways to give new methods

Finding ways to match mentors, elders

Finding ways

To guide

.

Are these the holy roots?

The holy roots of what is deemed disorder?

These diagnostic delineations cloaking

What is really

Sacred?

What lies beneath

The veneer of psychiatric diagnosis

The attempt to box in

The wideness, the vastness, the depth

Of what a soul is truly living?

.

Holy Roots?

Are there

Holy Roots?

This is not a glorification

But an exploration

A call for treatment and

An honoring of the possibility

Of the pull towards the ancient sacred

Within

.

*Thank you for reading! This is a very complex idea I am trying to bring into form clearly, it is a work in progress. Comments welcome :}}

CPU

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The swirlings have begun again

The ancestors, knocking

The babies, crying

The choices, beckoning

The holographic realizations, expanding

The foundations, crumbling

The blazing electrical rerouting, destroying

I keep freezing

I keep freezing

.

This CPU, once able to conduct

What flows through me

Is breaking, again

The terror of its outmoded form

Dissolving

Although timely

Haunts my days

.

Beckoned, once again

To step into new clothes, new understanding

New wakings, new dyings

These circuit boards are blitzing out

Frequent blankness

Random shut downs

Booting issues

All of these apply

To this slowly failing

Outmoded processing unit

.

If you calculate the ancestors

That may be waiting to download

Waiting for the seventh son of a seventh son

To finally heal the lines

It doesn’t take that long

To get into the thousands

Thousands waiting

Thousands hovering

Thousands begging

For the one to receive

Thousands of wounds

Thousands of traumas

Thousands of wisdoms

Thousands

.

This CPU once had blocking features

To not feel it all, throbbing

But the last upgrade

Advertised the removal of this feature

As a bonus

.

“Now including ancestral awareness”

I feel them

All

Waiting

Thousands

Waiting

Thousands

Wanting

Thousands

Hoping

That I will finally see

That I will carry the essence, magick

The whole of the bloodline sparkle

Clear the misunderstandings

Heal the torn fibers

Alchemize the great and pulsing mass

Into the once true beauty of the well ones

.

No pressure, eh?

Perhaps it is only I that imagines

But regardless

I can feel the throbbing

I can feel the freezing

I can feel the increasing rate of blips

Occurring in my way of going about it all

I can feel

This circuit board failing

Heavy and pathways jagged

If only by my imagined load

But still it’s real

From the four to the five

And hopefully, eventually

To the six

The old ways of holding

Are breaking down

.

I’ve been here before

Oh, sacred Tower

Oh sacred Nigredo

I know the downward spiral

The unraveling to a new beginning

It used to cause great upheaval

It used to cause me to run

Sanity imploding

Holding onto to mere threadlines

Doing extreme things

To get something bigger to contain me

Not knowing what was happening

The institution was the only safe place

I can understand now

Why I, and many

Keep returning

.

But lately, although shaken

I no longer scurry

It’s almost routine

I feel it coming, know what’s happening

And a switch called surrender

A switch called opening

A switch called receiving and curiousity

And an especially helpful feature called

Peaceful

Floating

In the Great

Abyss

Automatically it starts running

Holding me through

Holding me through

.

As this CPU falters

I realize the coming

Of the hand of a larger technician, replacing

I do my best

To settle back

To switch on the trust mode

Floating in that hollow unknown

As the new

And the old

Circuitry

Lifts and settles

One more time

To ready me

To carry

The thousand watt currents

Of the waiting

Ancient future

Nectar

Ain’t it a hoot

The way Nature places

All of the nectar

At the end of a treacherous tunnel

Anesthesia and oxytocin flowing

So we can’t see

All the demons we’re traversing to get there

Exposed, predator risking

So we can’t turn away

From the fingernail clawings along the walls

From the glowing lessons

Inscribed and asking

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

.

Ain’t it a hoot

How we only wake up

When we’re deep in the juices

Realizing where we are

Sticky, woozy

And how in no way we’d ever spelunk here

With veils removed

.

Ain’t it a hoot

The way the forces work us

Luring into lessons

Titillating temptations

Sensation saturations

Down the dark and winding tunnels

Into the raw and ripping

Necessary transformations

Solve et Coagula

Again and again

Ain’t it a hoot

The gaping maw

Of nectar

Death Lodge

How shall we begin?

We begin

At the end

The end of all which needs to die

The end

Of the beginning

.

She doesn’t stare straight at me

But I know, I know

She’s calling

Pay attention, She says

It is time

To die

.

Now I’ve heard this before

She’s no stranger in these parts

But as always, when She speaks

I listen

.

Such an odd concept

To have to die

To live

To have to let go of it all

In order to truly embody

.

Listening, I’m listening

But I

Am confused

So many layers already shed

What more do I have to release?

The traditional path

Identity, belongings, desires

Already decomposing miles back

On this Wanderer’s road

.

So I ask Her, humbly

As I accept my place in the Death Lodge

What else is there to lose?

And of course

I know, I know

There is always another layer

Hiding

.

What then, is this layer

I cannot drum it up from my mind

I look around me blankly

And the only thing I can do

Is ask

The only thing I can do

Is listen

The only thing I can do

Here in this Death Lodge

Is open to the Way

The Way hiding

The tendrils grasping

The deep and precious rootlets

That don’t want to be seen.

Way beneath, in this colonized earth

Lurks these questions

Lurks these answers

Lurks these ancestral memories

Traumas

Waiting

.

Here in the Death Lodge

Cailleach laughing

She tells me not to worry

She tells me, simply

To ask

To listen

And to begin

.

~Image https://www.elitarotstrickingly.com/blog/the-tarot-of-eli-the-druid-craft-tarot-key-13-death-and-the-thoth-tarot-atu depicting “Death” from The Druid Craft Tarot by Philip Carr-Gomm.

In Flames

Five years passed

Since I sat watching

The face that raised me

Propped, cardboard prosthetics

Forming strange countenance

Ready to go

.

Strange too, this feeling

You, in a box, ready

And me, watching

The face that raised me

Ready to go

Into flames

.

These were your wishes

Decided, after all, naked

And following, swallowed

Swallowed by the great one

Countered with brine

.

Strange though it was

To sit by you, watching

Floating, still shaken

Flowers ’round your head

The caked foundation

Hastily applied

Over fake arches

And greying mottled skin

Pretty, they tried to make you

Smiling, they tried to mold you

Strange, almost laughing

Darkness peeking through

.

Sitting there, watching

You in a box, naked

Ready

Into flames

The face that raised me

I remember

I remember

Mussels in seaweed

I finally let the last of you

Go