Ode To Lifelong Friends

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Oh, beloved Calories

Oh, beloved Measuring cups

Oh, beloved Food scales

What would I do

Without you?

I remember meeting

That very first day

Presented in community

Accepted

Thy sacred tools

You, in my hands, initiated

You who enabled me

To first feel a sense of control

To first feel a sense that I could change things

When everything was dark and chaos

You who enabled me

To magically transform

To show up out of hiding

To gain attention, out of invisibility

To set limits, boundaries

To scream NO

You who enabled me

To, at first, “get healthy”

To gain pride

To do what was “right”

Oh Calories

Oh Measuring cups

Oh Food scales

You’ve been with me so long

How predictable!

How reliable!

How steadfast!

It was you and me

Against the screaming, suicidal

Hopeless world

But

After we’d got to know each other

Well, things became complicated

I didn’t mean for it to happen

But at some point

You became

A weapon

I saw how I could use you

To destroy things

To manipulate nature

I saw how I could use you

To cause fear in their eyes

To cause fear in her eyes

Where previously, she….was the wielder of terror

Where previously, she…was the sick one

Where previously, I…was her captive

Oh Calories

Oh Measuring cups

Oh Food scales

I used you

I abused you

I took your unassuming simple nature

And twisted it, for survival

At some point,

Just when I thought I had you and I

All figured out

Well, the games turned on me

I could barely hold the sword

Emaciated limbs attempting

But I could still swing it

And the sword was slashing only my flesh

Whittling me down to zero, nothing

Ironically, you who promised health, notoriety

Was what I used to disappear

Was what I used

To die

But also oddly,

At the same time

It was my twisted use of you

That led to the death that allowed me to escape her

To find myself

Over and over again

Safe behind those white walls

Safe from her

Safe from myself

Safe from our strange and dysfunctional relationship

It got me

To safety

Over the course of life

Calories

Measuring cups

Food scales

We’ve gone in and out of balance

For years, I used you to stay well

And at other times, those long harrowing highways

I used you to whittle myself away

But always

You were there for me

Impartial, waiting,

Looking at me with a question in your eyes

You

Were always there

Not until recently

Did I begin to realize

Oh Calories

Oh Measuring cups

Oh Food Scales

That your structure

Your reliability

Your dependability

Ingrained in my synapses

Was a scaffolding

Against deeper, darker terrors

That these monotonous, laborious routines

I used you for

I realize that they keep me safe

From something I am only just beginning

To remember

Something more monstrous

Than the hateful, decimating words

Than the constant lethal psychic soup

Of her despairing

You, I’m beginning to realize

Have kept me from this terrifying unknown

Lodged in my body, now peeling

Not only have you kept me from disappearing

…Or becoming too much

But also that you shield me from feeling that night

In my throat

In my gut

In parts I can’t even recall

That horrible Fullness

My use of you, I’m beginning to realize

Has held me together

Until I could face this

Now I’m trying

For the millionth time

But never…from this perspective

Realizing we may need to part

But doing it slowly

Each time

I sit at the table without you

Yearning, grieving

I feel this unspeakable wound

Not sure if from lineages before

Or from the betrayal of my own innocent flesh

Knowing it doesn’t really matter

I think of all of this

As I sit here

And I thank you

For all of those years

I’m still pretty bewildered

At the direction our relating should take

Whether letting go of you will save me

Or kill me

Whether distance from you

Will unleash the ancestral thanatos

Or whether I can surpass this embedded deathly urge

And find my own

Will we eventually part ways?

Completely, fully, undeniably?

And if so, I am dumbfounded at how that will occur

Being away from you

I wish I knew that the outcome would be freedom

Oh Calories

Oh Measuring cups

Oh Food scales

Counting, checking, counting

My sacred scaffolding, in a time with no other

You, in my shaking hands

Steadying me

I thank you

I honor you

An ode to you

Calories

Measuring Cups

Food Scales

May I one day

Not depend on you out of fear

But use you, with whimsy

To create magic, and beauty

In the hearth

An ode to lifelong friends

My Book…Free on Ream!

Dear Readers,

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It’s a serialized book, where you get to follow along as the story unfolds. Right now, my two main characters have just found each other’s hearts in time for Valentine’s Day…and there’s a jealous grimoire contemplating how to interfere :}

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Why I Have To Leave

Okay

I’m up here

Standing in front of you all

I’m shaking

My pulse aflutter

Just like everyone else

I’m terrified of being seen

While at the same time yearning

Desperately

You see me

Here on this stage

I let you see me

But deep inside

It’s hidden

These lights are bright

I’m usually in the shadows

I shift my weight

One foot to the other

Breathing

Deep inside

It’s hidden

And as I fidget

Shocks of lightning

Strike my limbs

A dull, familiar ache

Is starting to form

And in my mind, a clock, ticking

You see me

Here on this stage

I let you see me

But deep inside

It’s hidden

Now I’m feeling my legs

They’re starting to seize beneath me

I know I have to move, and soon

Before the pattern sets in

I’m sharing these words

Tending to all the terrified bits

Feeling your eyes

But, inside, I’m also fearing

Fearing what might happen

When I step off this stage

When I need to sit down

When I want so bad to sit down

Reveling, for hours

To take in all of your beauty

It’s ridiculous, really

While the world burns down around me

But it is true

And

I try to reel my mind

Back here to this stupendous present

Here, with you all

Here, letting you see

Here, such a gift

But

I’m shocked by lightning

I’m seizing, invisibly

And the terror of what sitting might bring

Rules my imprinted mentality

I hope someday this will all be over

Three years into this sudden cage

I am

Adapting

Juggling all of this

Here in front of you

It’s taken me years

To stand here, in front of you

Because I don’t want to feel this

Because I hate facing

What my life has become

Because I’m so tired of the fucking questions:

How long can I stand here

Before the pain comes?

How long can I sit

Before another seizing spiral returns?

How many days will it take to recover

Heating pad, ice pack, can’t move

Five minute torturous intervals

Assuming control of every waking hour?

But I’m here anyway

If just for a brief moment

Because you are my life force

These words, your eyes

The breath that connects us

How you transform torture into beauty

I can’t stay away

No matter how much

It hurts

You see me

Here on this stage

I let you see me

But deep inside

It’s hidden

Invisible

And it walks, smiling

Around you every day

I want to stay

I want

To stay

But for now

It’s why

I have to leave

#mood doodles

Quest-ions, Quest-ions

Her spirit’s essence?

Mental clarity

Inventiveness

Originality

Even while underwater

Cloudy and lost

She grasps the hilt

Thrusts the blade through the murkiness

And pierces the sky

The true calling of her heart?

Satiety

Satiety!

On the other side of terror

Of what fullness raises from the dead

Her heart desires

Emotional contentment

Passion and vitality

Experienced internally

And radiating out

Welcoming, not fearing

To love deeply

To receive deeply

The true wisdom of her mind?

“The Moon’s gates reveal the splendor of the soul”

She is the chooser, the tough-love romantic

She is the determined one

Aimed to face any self-delusion

Honed to meet difficult decisions

Created to resolve difficult relationships

She is continually put in places of hard choices

Yet through the tempering

Has emerged gifted

In turning difficult lead

Into gold

She’s an eye for spotting dishonesty

She’s little tolerance for self-deception, illusion

She’s the tester of old patterns, within and without

One who navigates insanity

In a life-affirming, wily, trickster kind of way

She’s faced her darkness

Crawling, blind and naked through the two towers

Once shivering,

She now can cackle with the Moon

What then

Is the purpose of her being?

They say it is Science

Science!

Objective, logical

Rational thinking

Rational!

From the realms of the Moon

One who’s gone through the madness,

Coming out rational!

She has faced (most of) the demons

And shedded the societal skins

She is here to communicate

About something which is completely

New

Balanced

She opens her mouth

And puts forth threatening paradigms

In a way that will be received

Haha!

Perhaps her purpose

Is to be

A poet

🙃

Spiral

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I start here

Here, in the darkness

Here, in the first traumatic encounter

Here, at the bottom of the well

I look up

A pinpoint, beaming

The light, it reaches me

Here, at the bottom of the well

It’s not so dark now

I can see the wall

I can see there are steps

Mossy, dripping

Steps curving round

Steps reaching upward

Steps finding a way

Here, at the bottom of the well

I name the demon

I take the first step

I struggle, fight

I do all I can to release

Something shifts, lifted

I think

I’ve found freedom

Climbing up the spiral

Out into the world I go

Smiling and impassioned

It’s summer all day long

Goals, certainty and drive

I leave the well

Far, far behind

One day life happens

And I’m turning inward

Some center, pulling

Back, back, staring at the wall

Mossy, drippy

Shadows overtake me

Struggles…same, but different

Bawling, screaming, pleading

Struck by the illusion

The slaying was not final

Here, at the bottom of the well

Am I

At the bottom of the well?

I did not descend the staircase

And yet I am writhing with this demon again

I peer down into the darkness

Into that which I have risen up from

I am there, but I am also here

Can we call this progress?

Or like the seasons

A spring, returning to winter?

A spiral, dancing with serpent

Dancing, not battling, with darkness?

In and out

Rising, but always returning?

Peeling the layers once anew?

Why would I think it’s any different

Creation, destruction

In and out again

But still

This mind yearns for the final

Release

I peer down into the darkness

Into that which I have risen up from

I am there, but I am also here

Here

In the never-ending

Healing

Spiral

Songs From the Cage

Blue sky

Sparkling dew

A fresh path

My feet crunch

As usual

An open door

Cement halls

I enter into

Goosebump flesh

The shadows, cold

At right

Another portal

I stand at threshold

I look inside

Four walls

Crouching body

Hair ragged

Face in hands

Sun beaming

Through steel bars

No response

She is crying

I step inside

I ask for permission

I can tell she needs

But shakes her buried head

I stand fast, respecting

I tell her I love her

Guitar in hand

I want to make her a song

One eye peeps over

And then returns to cave

I tell her I want to know

I tell her I want to hear

I tell her

I want to make her a song

Why don’t you leave this cell?

I ask

The door is open

Why don’t you stretch your legs?

Warm your face, in the noonday sun?

I tell her I don’t want to shame her

I tell her

I want to understand

Murmuring, only muffled voices return

But I’ve skills of translation

I lean in, I listen

Through the tattered, spit-soaked cloth

Through the greasy, matted hair

I hear her say

I am forgotten

I hear her say

I am forgotten

I hear her say

I am forgotten

I strum the metal strings

And I repeat to her

I am forgotten

She looks up, shyly

No sound

But her lips form the words

No vision

I strum the metal strings

And repeat

No vision

This time, her head remains uncovered

She’s watching my fingers

She’s watching my voice

I strum the metal strings

I repeat

I am forgotten

No vision

She croaks, in a whisper

Why fight?

I look at her, nodding

I strum the metal strings

I sing

I am forgotten

No vision

Why fight?

Now her head is back in between

Those knees and she is rocking

Now she is singing, softly

I am forgotten

No vision

Why fight?

And then, in between rocking

I can see her shoulders heaving

She softly murmurs

Am I going crazy?

I am wandering, wandering

I cannot get out

Help me

Help me…

No one can ever

Help me

I strum the metal strings

Wishing I could sing

Into her hollow jaded eyes

And I repeat

I am forgotten

No vision

Why fight

Am I going crazy?

Going

CRAZY?

Wandering

Help me

No one…

A few strums, voice silent

I am rocking now, too

Watching her little body

Huddled in the sunrays

Weeping, weeping

I start to hum

And I add my own line, to her

I simply say

I know

Again, her eye emerges

Out of that dark cave she’s been trapped in so long

I can see the tears, glistening

I can tell she has received

I know

I continue humming

I know

And I keep strumming

And I hold her

In this coldness

Distance between us

But some great tremble in the air

Humming, our song

And I know

Astral Aspirations

This is the last in a three-part series. If you’d like to read the first two parts, you can find them listed at the end of this post. Enjoy!

From the beating core, down the path of Death

I now arrive at SEVEN

At SEVEN

I AM Transmutation

Leaving behind industrial mind

Seeking deeper meaning

I AM open to medicine

Finding me daily

I AM bringing soul alive

Into the tortured places

Places left behind by western diagnostics

Infusing hope, depth, relations with unseen

I AM imagining possibilities for the personal and collective

Dreaming up what’s right with it all, the magic’s hand

Making space for the view, crystal clear

I AM

Transmutation

Fresh from this expansive field

Teetering along the Tower’s girder

I arrive at EIGHT

At the EIGHT, I am Symbolization

I AM that which takes pen in hand

I AM that which opens mouth to sing

I AM that which splatters color, image

I AM that which weaves passionate story

I AM throwing together symbols to mark my knowing

I AM next era, beyond heiroglyphic and letter

Beyond rune, ogham, deeds engraved on bones

I AM that which reflects, communicating

I AM scribe of that which I want my life to symbolize

Altering present, future, past

I AM

Symbolization

Scroll in hand, Sun beneath my feet

I walk confidently into NINE

At the NINE, I am Absorption

Here, I know I face my own depths one more time

Here, I AM clarifying that which I choose to assimilate

Here, I AM aware of, not manipulated by

Here, I AM reviewing and casting off

Here, I AM selecting and transforming

Here, I AM diving into the vast sea

Eyes open

Here, at the NINE

I am Absorption

Now, awake in The Dream

Ambling upon the Universe’s path

I arrive at TEN

Here, I Am Radiance

Here, I AM all that has come before, shining

Here, I AM emitting what I choose, into the river

Here, I AM beaming from a clarified point

Here, I AM walking

Walking as Universe

Walking as my own personal dream of the future

Here, I AM revealing

Here, I AM offering

At TEN, I am all that has been, is now

And will forever be, transformed

At TEN

I AM The Tree

I AM

The Tree

~Thank you for reading! This is the last in a three-part series, and if you’d like to read the first two parts, you can find them here:

Supernal Affirmations

Ethical Proclamations

And if you’ve been with me the whole way, I hope you enjoyed my machinations on pathwork and The Tree of Life :}}

Ethical Proclamations

~Hello! This is part two of a three-part poem. If you’d like to read the first, you can find it here: https://eatfreeevenifithurts.home.blog/2025/12/21/supernal-affirmations/

Crossing the Abyss,

Congealing, coming into matter

I arrive at

FOUR

Here, at FOUR

I am Stabilization

I am anchored lining

I am blood cells, nourished

I am muscle fibers, relaxed, strong

I am deep ocean, between wave and glass

I am fence, creating safe boundary

I am the Queen, the hand that cares

I am mirror, reflecting plan, turn back towards body

I am

Stabilization

It is only a matter of time

Before I arrive at

FIVE

Here, at FIVE,

I am Cataclysm

I am Death

I am the end of one known stage

When I appear, I am tragic and devastating

Yet I am that which leads to a stage beyond

I am confusion and chaos

A sign, in The Dream, that something new is being born

I am that which tempers endless creation

Destroying, consuming, breaking down

In service of homeostasis

I am illness, reorganizing, calling home to what matters

I am sudden, potentially disastrous change

I am making room for the cutting edge

I am

Cataclysm

Gratefully, I arrive at

SIX

Here, at SIX,

I am Synergy

I am the center that holds

I am the eye that sees the sacred

I am the heart that beats at the core

I am the nucleus, bringing all into connection

Making meaning, sense, to the complexity of experience

I am that which sees that I am connected

The Earth and my body,

That that the symptoms that plague

Might be messengers to help understand

I am that which lies at the nexus, knowing

That by seeing my body’s difficulties as connected

To what’s happening with the planet and my fellow beings

I may find more interest in taking action

To create a more balanced and nourishing reality

Beyond the hopeless, arid and harrowing past

Taking form, accepting matter, voicing Knowing

I am

Synergy

And I continue down the Tree

~Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for the final section of this three-part poem next week :}

Supernal Affirmations

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I start at

ZERO

I am Space

I am not empty, but frothing with proliferating matter

I go back and forth between existing

And melting

I am the Fool, yet also the Field, wandering

Up and down the Tree

I am Nothing

I am Everything

I am

Space

I then become

ONE

I am Centration

I am the center

I am the center of origin

I am an originating, original point of Universe evolving

I am Universe

Walking in its own unique

Never before, never after

Kind of way

I am beingness, a loving beingness

Following the trail of scintillating synchronicity

Creating stories and desperately needed meanings

With whatever approaches

I am

Centration

Furthering, I arrive at

TWO

I am Attraction

Converging, cording

Dancing, with cause and effect

I am the steed that charges towards aim

I am the cup that welcomes the water

I am the seed that absorbs the sun

I am magnetic, drawing excruciating pain

And terrifying joy

For further information

I am

Attraction

Breathless, I become

THREE

I am Creation
I am a combination of capabilities and inspirations

Of attractions and passions

Of desires that cause me to create new things

I am the doubt that prevents my catenation

I am the hope that holds the door open

I am the one who sees patterns, meaning

In the darkest of dark

I am the indifference to right form and presentation

I am the one who expresses what is now

I am

Creation

From Everything, from Nothing

I have come

Somehow agreeing to this confusing tribulation

Pushing forward, pushing through

Heading into the Abyss

Branches, seeking core, seeking roots

A triangle becoming, eyes opening

Sometimes screaming at what lies on horizon

A Supernal unfolding, a blind cosmological commitment

From Everything, and Nothing

I Am

~Thanks for reading! This a multi-part reflection and will continue for the next few weeks. If you liked what you read here, stay tuned :}