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Secrets

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Just a passing comment

As the family bible splayed across your lap

Whispered secrets between women

While he was in the bathroom

.

So quiet it’s as if I never heard it

Like my memories, evanescent

Did you say that?

Did it happen?

Was it

Just

My

Imagination?

.

Still, evidence, and pain

Persistent, throbbing at these roots daily

Fills out all the details

Of what I thought I heard you speak

Hush hush

Before he returns

The prisoner, that child

Is trying to reach you

She knows, below

She wants you

To know

.

Something, like then

Didn’t let me ask

And you went away

Dropping this hint and leaving

Me holding, waiting

A pandora’s box that trembled

Wondering again

If I’m just mad

.

But finally

I called you, and he was there

Funny, another projection wronged

He was a part of the conversation

I thought you were hiding away

No, he verified

Indeed I heard you right

And it wasn’t only me

It was also He

These secrets

Beginning to be told

.

Ones that hung Her

Ones that starved Her

Ones that stuck a needle in Her arm

Ones that kept Her hanging

Screaming

Alone

And ones

That made Him go away

.

We talk, almost giddy

Revealing what we know

Revealing what we don’t

Just glad, like these words feel it

Finally they can live and breathe

.

Those with certain knowing

Now lay as ash or corpse

All we can do is release

These words

These secrets

And try to put all the pieces, together

That explain

.

These secrets

Beginning to be told

Ones that hung Her

Ones that starved Her

Ones that stuck a needle in Her arm

Ones that kept Her

Hanging

Screaming

Terrified

Alone

And ones

That made him go away

.

Secrets

the letter

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i’ve been waiting for years

to write this to you

barred at first by politeness

then the plague

and now, just plain resistance

but the time

the time

has come

.

i remember parts of the day clearly

a sparkly seaside

the dark hotel room

a dusty family bible, splayed out on your wrinkled jeans

pictures of him, ones i’d never seen

and your smile, covering

.

it’s hazy

but i think i remember

the brother leaving

you starting to whisper

secrets

secrets from long ago

as if needing to confess

before his ears returned

.

it’s funny

but not

how i don’t trust i remembered this clearly

did you tell me?

am i making it all up?

mirrors and mirrors and mirrors

of questions

of secrets

from so long ago

.

so i’m writing

to ask

once more of the hushed words i think i heard

hoping for one step closer

hoping to help me re-member

hoping to know if it’s real

or if i’m crazy

hoping to stop spinning

through these clouds of a dream

.

what you said

what happened

why the secrets

why the forgotten years

why the distance

i write this letter

hoping you’ll tell me

so i can just know

if it was my mouth

if it was his hands

if it was her neck

if it was only

a dream

.

I’m writing this letter

before you, like they

die holding keys

I’m hoping you’ll find it

I’m hoping you’ll tell me

what is real

cause she keeps disappearing

she keeps

disappearing

and i want

her back

.