The Monkey

Inanimate surrogate mother

Made from wire and wood

Each infant becomes attached

To its particular mother, choosing

.

Bare wire

Or cloth-covered

In time

With tests of deprivation

Despite the milk available at the wire mother’s teat

The infant clings to the cloth mother

Only leaving when survival deems

To retrieve the milk from cold and steel

.

These experiments

Although primate-focused

Describe a haunting similarity

Between the mothers I was asked to choose from

Not a straight correlation

But the tendency

To favor machine-made meals

Instead

Of her cigarette smoke rage infused ones

This choice, reminds me

Of these grasping creatures

.

My odd preference

For the mechanically measured

Hermetically sealed

Thick and milky liquid

For the vending machine’s

Savory chemical noodle brew

For the gravy-laden chunks

Of distant crafting hands

Poured cold from freshly popped tin

These

These give me comfort

.

I am wary of anything made by someone who sees me

Suspicious of the homemade meal

I fear a strange possibility of poisoning

From the farm-fresh hands of the local chef

He, smiling to feed

I hunger for the package

To see the numbers, ensuring

To see the seal, broken open only by me

To have no idea who it was that made the food

To know they had no idea I’d eat it

To know that their spells

Could never be intended specifically for my destruction

Like her’s did

Like mine did

Although consciously huffing

At such silly paranoias

This

This gives me comfort

.

Inanimate surrogate mother

Made from wire and wood

Each infant becomes attached

To its particular mother, choosing

Somehow

As usual, I am the odd monkey out

Whereas my brethren cling to the cloth

I seek the chilled, impersonal wire

It’s safer that way

~Image and topic inspired (and haunted) by Henry Harlow’s primate experiments: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Harlow

CPU

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The swirlings have begun again

The ancestors, knocking

The babies, crying

The choices, beckoning

The holographic realizations, expanding

The foundations, crumbling

The blazing electrical rerouting, destroying

I keep freezing

I keep freezing

.

This CPU, once able to conduct

What flows through me

Is breaking, again

The terror of its outmoded form

Dissolving

Although timely

Haunts my days

.

Beckoned, once again

To step into new clothes, new understanding

New wakings, new dyings

These circuit boards are blitzing out

Frequent blankness

Random shut downs

Booting issues

All of these apply

To this slowly failing

Outmoded processing unit

.

If you calculate the ancestors

That may be waiting to download

Waiting for the seventh son of a seventh son

To finally heal the lines

It doesn’t take that long

To get into the thousands

Thousands waiting

Thousands hovering

Thousands begging

For the one to receive

Thousands of wounds

Thousands of traumas

Thousands of wisdoms

Thousands

.

This CPU once had blocking features

To not feel it all, throbbing

But the last upgrade

Advertised the removal of this feature

As a bonus

.

“Now including ancestral awareness”

I feel them

All

Waiting

Thousands

Waiting

Thousands

Wanting

Thousands

Hoping

That I will finally see

That I will carry the essence, magick

The whole of the bloodline sparkle

Clear the misunderstandings

Heal the torn fibers

Alchemize the great and pulsing mass

Into the once true beauty of the well ones

.

No pressure, eh?

Perhaps it is only I that imagines

But regardless

I can feel the throbbing

I can feel the freezing

I can feel the increasing rate of blips

Occurring in my way of going about it all

I can feel

This circuit board failing

Heavy and pathways jagged

If only by my imagined load

But still it’s real

From the four to the five

And hopefully, eventually

To the six

The old ways of holding

Are breaking down

.

I’ve been here before

Oh, sacred Tower

Oh sacred Nigredo

I know the downward spiral

The unraveling to a new beginning

It used to cause great upheaval

It used to cause me to run

Sanity imploding

Holding onto to mere threadlines

Doing extreme things

To get something bigger to contain me

Not knowing what was happening

The institution was the only safe place

I can understand now

Why I, and many

Keep returning

.

But lately, although shaken

I no longer scurry

It’s almost routine

I feel it coming, know what’s happening

And a switch called surrender

A switch called opening

A switch called receiving and curiousity

And an especially helpful feature called

Peaceful

Floating

In the Great

Abyss

Automatically it starts running

Holding me through

Holding me through

.

As this CPU falters

I realize the coming

Of the hand of a larger technician, replacing

I do my best

To settle back

To switch on the trust mode

Floating in that hollow unknown

As the new

And the old

Circuitry

Lifts and settles

One more time

To ready me

To carry

The thousand watt currents

Of the waiting

Ancient future

Memory

“Muninn (Memory), by Courtney Blazon, 2013”

Memory

Oh mysterious memory

Why do I re-member you?

Why do I only re-member

Some of you

Hidden, fogotten boxes

Once unwrapped

Revealing a universe before?

That one taste…

That one specific sound…

That touch…

Forevermore, inscribed

Why?

Why do you stay?

Why do you linger?

Do you wait, embedded

For us to return?

To re-live

To heal

To release?

Memory

Oh mysterious memory

Do you wait for us

To collectively review

To see the old story

Perhaps ones laden in bone

To reflect

And to re-write?

Or are you simply

A leftover echo

Of primal survival mechanics

What to avoid

What to draw near

How to keep safe

How to

Attack

.

Memory

Oh mysterious memory

Why do we re-member you?

Why do we only re-member some of

You

Hidden, fogotten boxes

Once unwrapped

Revealing a universe before?

Teach me

Oh mysterious memory

Of why

Of why

You stay

Earth Sister, Sister Earth

Eyes towards Earth

A swirling macrosphere hovers

You know, you know

Balancing the spheres

Fire, Water, Wind and Earth

There’s a peace within

How do you hold it?

How do you wield it?

How do you tend

To this exponential, often terrifying

Sometimes dismembering

Vast and swimming field?

.

I’m here

I’m here

Listening to the assignments

Great meditations

Horrid initiations

Carving hollow the space that now holds birth

You know, you know

On winter ice, use caution

There is no use fighting winter

.

Has it taken eons

To cultivate the space you hold within

All that intersect, feel it

Your pulsing orb of potential

Some call you Sister

Some know you as Queen

This unstoppable force

That springs eternal

Kore Persephone Demeter

Birth, bud, flower, aliveness

Seduction, withering, trauma

Falling

Falling

Falling

Dissolving, sleeping, waking

Sprouting

The cycle goes on and on

,

Now, in my gaze

A new birth becomes you

Revelation is near

Filled with the knowing

Filled with the knowing

Ancient mycorrhizal tendrils

Growing into, and out of your form

Connecting, connecting

Pulsing, pulsing

.

Earth Sister

Will I ever really know your field?

I meditate on this, over and over

And still, struck with the vastness

Of this potential

Filled with birth, life, death and sooty particles

Stuck beneath nail

Smeared upon skin

Cosmological origins solidified

Holding, Holding

Birthing, birthing

.

Will I ever know you

In me?

This mastery of all potential

A walking Tree

A Radiant Sister-Queen

Serving the wholeness of your creation

Serving the wholeness of Creation

Through only a breath

A glance

A touch

Of your shimmer?

.

Meditating

On this, Earth Sister

You approach and call into attention

Eyes now open and glaring directly

You say…Follow Your Name

A psychic transmission as I gaze upon you

Calm and pulsing chest

Head now turned to sky

Mouth open, a haunting circumference

Follow Your Name

Follow Your Name

Follow Your Name

And Pay

Attention

She reminds me

She reminds me

And then re-absorbs into the field

She is the field

.

I stand, holding splintering post

This mysterious fence

I’ve circled

The entirety of my life

Looking out

Looking in

Circling

Circling

Living

Living

Dying

Dying

Birthing

Birthing

Earth Sister

You are the field

I am in

You are the earth

We are in

You are we

Becoming

Oh holy Shekinah

Precious

Precious

Radiant Tree,Walking

Out, onto the Land

My, Our

Your

Earth Sister

~image credit: “Earth Sister” from Tarot of The Spirit by Pamela and Joyce Eakins sourced from https://www.elitarotstrickingly.com/blog/the-tarot-of-eli-llc-court-cards-thoth-tarot-princess-of-disks-tarot-of

Deep, Fast

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It’s taken me a while

To accept the thing I’ve hated most–

That strange field surrounding this form

And its wyrd ways

Upon coming into contact

With you

.

Somehow

The electrons and wavelengths

Rotating auric realities

Arrange themselves

To raise the shadows

You

Don’t want to see

.

At one point

At many points

These invisible hoverings

Yours and mine

Were things I didn’t want to see

But with their repetition

This constant reverent attendance

Slowly

We’ve made friends

.

Deep, fast

Smiling

It’s not a conscious effort

I just watch as the charcoal-green-gray

Bubbles start to simmer

Between us

Their puckered, hollow seeking

Here they come again

.

Deep, Fast

Some people say this is my approach

The specters naturally raised

When two or more are gathered

Here

But it’s taken decades

Of hating it, always

Seeing over and over again

The things I didn’t ask to feel

The things I didn’t mean to insert

The things I’d rather not notice

Wishing for laughter, and ease

And that thing that people call

Casual relations

.

Deep, fast

Over the years I’ve seen it at work

Sometimes conscious

Often coyote

And after wrastling, resentful

Have come to learn how to hold

These particular reins in hand

How to be gentle

Self-reflecting

And true

.

Always

Learning

Responsible

I do my best to be responsible

With the unmet, yearning, screaming

Invisible creatures that emerge

That some part of you

And me

Contract to bring into light

But often

Mostly

As usual

These hungry ghosts, begging

Finally seen…

Are abandoned

.

Deep, fast

This creates a life of only few

Who stay

Who stay in the reverberating tension

Who stay to talk about

What they don’t want to feel

Who stay to explore

The mind-bending transformations

The unexplainable dissolutions

The terrifying Void

The sacred coagulations

That come to pass, sometimes within minutes, hours

Between us

.

Deep, fast

I now put that on my intake form

Preparing those who enter

Leaving them to choose

Isn’t it funny

The thing I always hated

The thing that seemed to keep me apart

Now, in my embrace

Is the thing that I am sought to provide?

.

Deep, fast

If you want to go deep, fast

If you want to hold on

Through a rocky but kickass ride

Braced and committed to presence

To speaking to what can be spoken

A hall of mirrors, tended

Meta meta meta

Shadows seeing shadows

To the best of your ability

Come in

My door is open

.

But watch your step as you enter

That first one

Is quite

A doozy

It’s deep

And fast

Ghosties

Photo by Harrison Haines on Pexels.com

It’s happening all around me

Left and right

Dates and clients

Poof! Into thin air

Groovin’ and smilin’

In the pocket

Supposed reflection in their orbs

And then, gone

Gone

Gone

.

Perhaps, it’s occurred

Over and over again

Without such conscious notice

But lately

It feels like all’s I gots’

Is ghosts

.

Perhaps, and most likely

A teaching

This repeated, multi-faced patterning

Trying to get me to see

Trying to get me to heal

The unattended ghosts

Of the past

.

Like that first one

I’m sure his eyes filled my babe core

His gaze, for a few months

Completing me

And then

Poof!

Gone.

No explanations

Silence all around it

Except the rumblings a young mind

And hollowed center

Can make

.

Ghosties

.

And then that man

Bustin’ onto my scene like a dream

Wolf in hand, care in heart

Blowing my mind with his Love

And shit, not long after

Bullet-penetrated aortas

Leaving me wondering

Leaving me wondering

Oh

The rumblings a young mind

And hollowed center

Can make

.

Ghosties

The pattern, oft repeated

But not until recently

Did I see

How I

Ghost me

.

How I leave my babies like he did

Thrilled with creation

Gazing at the outcome

But running

Running

As fast as I can

From the inadequacy I feel

In bringing them babies to life

.

The fear, the overwhelm, the way they might tie me down

The terror that I might destroy them

The shame that I, clueless, feel unworthy to stay

Focused

And by their side

.

Granted, my babies take up

Memoir form

Bohemian caravan festival vending form

Self-owned business form

Poetry Anthology form

Musical album form

Grimoire form

….

But nevertheless

They’re babies

Creations once filling me with inspiration

Now left in some void floating

Hollow

Wondering where I’ve gone

.

Such potential

They hoped for so much

To be supported

To be encouraged

To shine

Through the light and darkness

We’d face together on the path

They look at me, from a distance

Begging

Sorrow in their supposedly inanimate heart

Wondering what they did

And where I’ve gone

Do they feel

The buried rage

I’ve carried for so long?

.

Ghosties

Damn

I see it so clearly now

I leave my babies just like he did

Just like they do

I ghost

Me

.

All these parts of me reflecting

Over and over until I see it right

Now that the mirror is clear

Now that I face the terror in me

Now that I feel, perhaps, what he felt

Now that I look at those babies, yearning

What’s left to do?

Keep ramblin’ on, chasing shineys?

I suppose this old blood could carry on down that road

But somehow

Although I’m hella respectful of the ghosts among the living

I think I’ll turn back

And face the panic of meeting their need

Ghosties

My ghosties

Meaning

Photo by Anugrah Lohiya on Pexels.com

Meaning

Do we give it all meaning?

Or is there a force, a face, that’s given us trials to grow?

To open, connect

Is it all random

These children born into war and poverty

Others delivered into wise and safe arms of love

Is it all random

Those faced with chronic pain and illness

While others rock and dance and laugh the night away

.

Is there reason?

To abuse

To murder

To suicide

To heart’s betrayal

To a body’s failure to thrive

To rape

To violence

To natural disasters, homelessness

To the soul’s 

Vanishing?

.

Do I turn left or right

Into bitterness or compassion

Into despair or hope?

Do I ignore

The rage, resentment, the fear

Chanting myself numb

“It’s all good…there’s a reason…there’s a reason…”

Over and over again

As the ache, dull and deep 

Throbs

As the room spins

Another day waking

To no further healing?

Do I trust

Or do I wail, sob, scream

Fist to floor, slobbering?

Do I spend my mysteriously appointed immobilizations

Dreaming of better days, pain free nights

Joy…someday?

Or do I collapse into the waves of terror

Fearing, fearing

There is no God

No meaning

That life, like Nature

Does not care who I am or what I’m here to do

Like the impala, ripped apart on the plains

Like the frozen carcass of blizzard’s wake

Like a coyote’s bleeding leg in trap

Never to walk again

Meaning?

Howling, whimpering, straining to reach

But unable

Hoping one from the pack will come

As the skies darken

As the snow begins to fall

Hoping for teeth to chew him out

Care for his irreversible limping

A lifetime ahead

Meaning?

Does the trickster ask

As his lifeforce leaks onto crystalline

Howling into the long, dark, cold and coming night

Is there Meaning?

Is there reason?

Is there a face

A force?

Is there

Meaning?

~writings from dark times

Mother Earth Within

Deep below

Beneath the layers of cold, dark

There is a fire

There are seeds, waiting

There are burrows, warm

There is

A light

.

She waits, knowing

Her time will come to unfold

Blooming, blossoming

Soft fabric brushing

Skin against skin

.

As the nights grow colder

As the birdbath forms its frost

She is there, knowing

She is there, glowing

She is there waiting

For you

.

Whispers rise through denseness

From this deepened core

Calming soothing hushes

Pulling energy inward

Towards Her

Firehearth roaring warm

.

A chariot awaits

Always available for the riding

Inward spiral clopping

Circling into Her

She calls, she beckons

As the nights grow colder

To ride, to ride

On the starlight trails

Of darklight, inside

To receive the Message

To dream up Vision

To defrost

Frigid extremities

.

Go into Her

Mother Earth Within

Glide along the well worn

Ancient pathways

Towards Her light

Towards Her warmth

Towards her Love

.

Deep below

Beneath the layers of cold, dark

There is a fire

There are seeds, waiting

There are burrows, warm

There are visions, dancing

Go there

When you are shivering

Go there

When you feel empty

Go there

When all seems lost

In this long, long night

Go, down

To the Mother Earth

Within

Let Her hold you

Let Her whisper you

To rest, and to someday

Become

.

~image from The Tarot of The Spirit by Pamela Eakins

Nectar

Ain’t it a hoot

The way Nature places

All of the nectar

At the end of a treacherous tunnel

Anesthesia and oxytocin flowing

So we can’t see

All the demons we’re traversing to get there

Exposed, predator risking

So we can’t turn away

From the fingernail clawings along the walls

From the glowing lessons

Inscribed and asking

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

.

Ain’t it a hoot

How we only wake up

When we’re deep in the juices

Realizing where we are

Sticky, woozy

And how in no way we’d ever spelunk here

With veils removed

.

Ain’t it a hoot

The way the forces work us

Luring into lessons

Titillating temptations

Sensation saturations

Down the dark and winding tunnels

Into the raw and ripping

Necessary transformations

Solve et Coagula

Again and again

Ain’t it a hoot

The gaping maw

Of nectar

Wolf Medicine

A maniacal fist

Busts through the circular opening

Glass there, but thinner

Shatters

A solid routine, almost sleeping

His laughter shakes the girl alive

Her voice doesn’t work

To send the wild eyes screaming

Laughter, only laughter

As the fingers strain for lock

.

911

The dial tone

It sends me back to you

Those old walls

Those suspicious eyes

And dead as they are

Still you let me in

.

There’s a force by my side

New and eldred all the same

I no longer meet you at the door alone

And you

Your solitude also broken

An unknown young woman kneels near

Cloaked in wolfskin

She stares into me

And claims

Sister

.

A long strong tendril of the line

Sister

Wolf Sister

Come to claim me

Answering my call

Come to show me

This lost but not forgotten

Wild and primal source

Ready

Ready

Alive

.

Later

The head is severed, hanging

The furskin lies manicured on the wooden floor

And I’m left, saddened

With none to reflect

On separations that occurred

How far back did this happen?

This primal nature

Wild eyed and laughing

Banished to psych wards and jailhouses

Begging on roadsides

Needles hanging from sinew

While the world drives by

Forgetting the medicine

.

You, Sister

You, Brother

Busting through a sleepy-eyed forgetfulness

Laughing at, yet holding me

Reminding

Reminding

You are here

My Sister

My Brother

Wolf Medicine

Spit flying and coat

Shimmering with the wind

Teaching family

And snarling incisors

On Time and out of Time

Dirty pads creeping past artificial realities

Busting through

Staring me down

Claiming me

Showing me what’s Real

Showing me you’re here

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Wolf Medicine