Finally

I stand here at the gate

The gate of small dreams

The gate of what was once

Unaccomplishable

.

No longer am I hiding under covers

Racked by waves of grief

Fearing defeat

Raging at the uselessness of it all

.

I am here

At the gate

.

I step through the splintering brackets

And onto the once familiar path

Sandy dust kicking up

My mind in meditation as I face the danger

.

I cry out to the spirits

My spirit that has brought me here

That has enabled hope and vision

That has given me courage to try

To this I ask for removal

Of all thoughts

Of all beliefs

Of all programming

At the root of this struggle

Releasing what oils the wheels of its persistence

I cry out

I ask

.

I keep walking, slowly

One foot in front of the other

So much slower than this goal driven goat once was

I feel into my body

I ask for its guidance

I ask

What the first place of rest

Will be

.

I keep walking

I keep listening

And at a moss-laden trunk’s reaching

I know it is where I should stop

While I’m ahead

My fire

It wants to push on, scout the next curve

Reach the vista

But I know, my body is teaching

.

So I stop

And I look out from this shaggy tree

I see glimmers of a view

I see oaks and pines and soaring hawk

I see

Where I am

I see

Where I have brought myself

I see

Hope for the next leg of the journey

In time

In time

.

I begin to descend

From this short test of possibility

And in front of me

Is a large lizard

Frequent to these dry, dusty trails

I think nothing of it

Expecting it to scurry as I pass

.

But the lizard

He remains

He stares straight at me

Even as I inch closer

Even as the threat of me

Shadows over him

.

He stays

And my fantastical child mind

Asks

“Sacred Lizard!

Sacred Fire Elemental Being!

Why have you stopped me

Here in my tracks?

What message do you want

To deliver?”

I stop

I listen

I hear the slight rustle of the leaves

I hear a faint cry of a raptor

I feel the momentary dread that there will be no answer

And then I hear

“Who is the dreamer?

And who is the dreamed?

Who

Is dreaming you?

Is it you?

Is it you?”

.

Knowing not if it is he

Or I

That spoke this truth, this riddle

Regardless

I listen, I absorb

And then

I start to sing

I sing to the lizard

I sing to the ancients

I sing to the thoughtforms

And beliefs

And programs that have kept me safe

By creating these struggles

By weaving this dream

I sing to them all

I sing to them all

.

I know it is time to leave

And the lizard stays

I have to walk around his grand presence, in fact

I look back and he’s still staring at me

I turn

And descend

.

Filled with the questions

Sparked with hope

And having felt magic

I know I will be back

To step through the gate

To let loose the scaffolds

To scout another twist

To try again

Soon