Pen Power

A letter

A letter

I light a candle

I whisper to the ancient ones

I let go of the I statements

And all the knowing heart I have

I let myself

Feel

I take out the fresh parchment

I grasp the smooth coolness

And I begin

I put your name at the beginning

And then I let it rip

All the things

I wish you never were

All the things

I hate about you

All the things

Your evil wrongdoing has brought into my life

All the things

I let myself feel

All the rage and roilings

The ways you could be better

The terror I’m afraid you’ll unleash

I feel it shooting from mind to matter

Furious scribblings scratching across the bumpy table

Through my limb

I stop

I feel my heart beating

I feel the blood pulsing, heat shimmering

At the edges of my skin

I feel so goddamned much

I try to write it all down

Addressed to you

About you

Because

Of you

Then

There is silence

I know it is time

I breathe in again

I scoot the chair out

And rise

I let the cool water run over

My palms in the wash basin

I splash its wetness

Against my face

I look

In the mirror

I breathe

I feel my feet on the ground

I shake it off

I turn back around

I sit down

Here, now, again

I watch the candle flame flickering

I grasp the smooth cool instrument

And I begin once more

Only this time

I strike

I strike out

Every instance of your name

In my letter

Slashing every which way

There’s so much of you here

I slash you out

And then

I write my name

Everywhere you have been

Every line

Every arrow

Every single place I seethed your title

I write

My name

Fast

Furious

So I can’t give in to the temptation to stop

I write

My name

I breathe

I look back to the candle

I talk to the ancient ones

I know what I must do

And then

I read

I read all the ways

All the things

I read

Self to self

Self to Spirit

All the ways

All the parts

Warring

I read

Taking it in

Sometimes I cry

Sometimes I deny

Sometimes I rage

At this act of accusation

But mostly, these days

I laugh

I laugh, I laugh, I laugh

I know you are real

And I must find ways to keep what I love alive

I must continue to set boundaries

I must continue to fight

But you

Are also me

And somehow that gives me a strange, strange strength

Somehow that leads me into

Center

I put down the pen

I stare at its power

I gaze at the flickering flame

I feel my feet on the ground

I feel

At ease

A letter

A letter

I blow out the candle

And walk into my life

Father Wind

Over the course of decades

Over the span of many trials

Comes to pass that I now wield

The reins to guide him

This wild bull of Will

This wild bull of Mind

Great Sprit within

I have known

The beggar and the king

The priestess and the sorcerer

The madman, addict and the sage

Wrestling, ever

With the parts that want to kill

And the parts that want to love

The parts that want to stay

The parts that want to run, hide, flee

In terror

Integration of the Two, the Many

Into center reins of the One

Mind now not so snaggled

By layered fallings of the Abyss

I hold center

I am He

Who discerns

Who brings the great power of Mind and Word

To serve the whole

To serve

The whole

But I remember

Sometimes nightly, so

Those days, and months and years

Of muddled and crazed conscience

Leading to darkness

Magic to manipulate and destroy

Even if in illusion of self

The unexalted one within

I remember

I will never forget that line

I walk it

Daily

I walk it daily

Now holding these reins

Now riding this spit-slobbering yet

Ever-gifting bull

Now speaking the words that calm him

I hold center

I trust

Over the course of decades

Over the span of many trials

Comes to pass that I now wield

The reins to guide and honor him

This wild bull of Will

This wild bull of Mind

These Two, these Many

This One

The Great Sprit

Wind-whipping and wise

Within

I am Father

Father Wind

Image credit: “Father Wind” from Tarot of The Spirit by Pamela and Joyce Eakins

Core

Swirling galaxies

Tendrils snaking lifetimes

Whipping across unfathomable

Wormholes connecting

Astral hands reaching

Twisting, turning

Helix merging

Align

Slipping through cellular cracks

Sluicing red waterways

Embedding

Releasing

In primal screams

This

Terror?

All of them

Wrinkled

Fragile

Body

Eons

Lifetimes

Wisdom paths

Devastation

Murderer

Saint

Pedophile

Beggar

Insanity

All these times

All these directions

All these passions

Leading down greasy dark alleys

Into temples

Sparkle

Guiding sensual

Unlocking

A wizened old woman

Sits in her hut

Snowy tundra blusters

And she knows

That they know

She knows

Creator Nature

Mystery

Orchestrates

Community invites

True power

And so she waits

She knows

In her

Core

This is the way it is

Shaking her head

Grieving

As the stellar tendril tugs

Opening portals mind eye

She sells

Flaying before masses

For witness

For approval

For identity

For…service?

Tears and heavy beating weightedness

Draw her breath

Into

Into this Core

Of galactic swirling

Potentialities

Of that which she knows

With all of this trapped and terror

With all of this

Thin humanoid skin

Stretching

Screaming

Billions of fractals dismembering

Clawing

This

An unshakeable knowing

An unshakeable listening

An unshakeable stillness

An art

Of falling apart

And letting it come

She knows

She floats in the portals

Of illusion and Nadir

This core

It is nothing

It is something

It is

Everything

And so

One gleaming eye

On callow fretting threads

She waits