No one ever told me about you

Isolated in the halls of insanity

No real peers to inform

Although I’m sure I at least knew of you

In that horror movie way

I can hear their laughter

And her shrouding terror

As clear as day

.

I personally found out about you

Through the round package of pills

They gave me in my hospital bed

Shortly after coming back

From my botched-up death

.

Even after this introduction

Pink plastic

Cold and sterile as it was

With descriptions of my faulty flesh

Not one time do I remember you coming

Nor how I felt about it

In the halls of insanity, and under the spell

Of other swallowable things

There is just no

Memory

.

What I do remember

Which says a bit about our culture, I think

Was being shown how to diet

And how the visceral feedback as a result

Could catapult me

Into a new identity in my tribe

A modern-day initiation

I suppose

Although skeletal crazy

Is not really a good look for a teen

.

That initiation I remember

But you?

Sad sad sad to say

My sacred one

Not one memory lingers

Not one

.

Even with the now dead man

I don’t remember you being there

In the midst of our sliding skins

Panting together

Never was there a mention

Or at least not a memory

Of you

Not one

.

The first time I actually remember you

(Aside from that round package in my hand)

Is years later, a decade perhaps gone by

Hiking in the hot and wild hills of Topanga

.

Suddenly, on the decline of that dusty trail

I knew

This, after years of departing from

(That round package of pills in my hand)

(Those years of dying, nigredo, the solve solve solve)

After waiting

And waiting

And grieving

.

After finally seeing you come

To be with me

By the sheer force

The sheer normalcy

Of this body

.

I knew

At your return

That a body is sacred

And can come back from anything

And has its own timing

And deserves to be honored

And witnessed

And its journey

Shared

.

Somehow I knew

As I felt the reality of your presence

Hanging heavy

That you were a part of my calling

To honor

To witness

To share

Your journey

In a circle of sisters

Validating this miracle

The power of life

And death

Through words

And song

And Craft

.

Descending on that crunchy gravel

With the hawk cry circling above me

I knew why I was here

.

To look in those eyes

Those confused, scared, perhaps rebellious

Eyes

Those eyes in such a pulsating uncontrollable mass

And say yes, this is your body

Your sacred body

Saying it is time now

To begin to learn

How to ride that edge

Between reality

And conception

To hold the void and all possibility

To choose, to hopefully choose

What this sacred companion could create

To befriend

To bless

To let her be seen

Initiation

A real initiation

With you, at center

Coming when it is time

Marking us with the window

Readying us to hold magic

.

I knew

I would forever be grateful

And would hold space for the ones left alone, lost

Confused in this increasingly complex reality

To gather

To honor

To witness

To speak

To dance

To paint

To sing

To cry

To howl

Of blood

Of blood

Of blood

Of You