Nectar

Ain’t it a hoot

The way Nature places

All of the nectar

At the end of a treacherous tunnel

Anesthesia and oxytocin flowing

So we can’t see

All the demons we’re traversing to get there

Exposed, predator risking

So we can’t turn away

From the fingernail clawings along the walls

From the glowing lessons

Inscribed and asking

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

.

Ain’t it a hoot

How we only wake up

When we’re deep in the juices

Realizing where we are

Sticky, woozy

And how in no way we’d ever spelunk here

With veils removed

.

Ain’t it a hoot

The way the forces work us

Luring into lessons

Titillating temptations

Sensation saturations

Down the dark and winding tunnels

Into the raw and ripping

Necessary transformations

Solve et Coagula

Again and again

Ain’t it a hoot

The gaping maw

Of nectar

Wolf Medicine

A maniacal fist

Busts through the circular opening

Glass there, but thinner

Shatters

A solid routine, almost sleeping

His laughter shakes the girl alive

Her voice doesn’t work

To send the wild eyes screaming

Laughter, only laughter

As the fingers strain for lock

.

911

The dial tone

It sends me back to you

Those old walls

Those suspicious eyes

And dead as they are

Still you let me in

.

There’s a force by my side

New and eldred all the same

I no longer meet you at the door alone

And you

Your solitude also broken

An unknown young woman kneels near

Cloaked in wolfskin

She stares into me

And claims

Sister

.

A long strong tendril of the line

Sister

Wolf Sister

Come to claim me

Answering my call

Come to show me

This lost but not forgotten

Wild and primal source

Ready

Ready

Alive

.

Later

The head is severed, hanging

The furskin lies manicured on the wooden floor

And I’m left, saddened

With none to reflect

On separations that occurred

How far back did this happen?

This primal nature

Wild eyed and laughing

Banished to psych wards and jailhouses

Begging on roadsides

Needles hanging from sinew

While the world drives by

Forgetting the medicine

.

You, Sister

You, Brother

Busting through a sleepy-eyed forgetfulness

Laughing at, yet holding me

Reminding

Reminding

You are here

My Sister

My Brother

Wolf Medicine

Spit flying and coat

Shimmering with the wind

Teaching family

And snarling incisors

On Time and out of Time

Dirty pads creeping past artificial realities

Busting through

Staring me down

Claiming me

Showing me what’s Real

Showing me you’re here

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Wolf Medicine

What I Wish I’d Said

Photo by Kat Smith on Pexels.com

From the beginning

This voice restrained

All the things, hovering, circling

All the things felt, unsaid

All the things feared

All the things shamed

All the things

Silenced

.

What I wish I’d said

.

Where did you go

And why didn’t you reach out to me

For so many years

Not even a word?

These little lips

Too young to know

How to lay down letters

And vulnerable abandoned fearful heart

How to weather the blow

When I saw you, your eyes guilty

I had no idea, the secrets you held

All I did was hug you and left those words

And slimy hisses

Beneath

.

What I wish I’d said

That I was still grieving

That I appreciated your rescue

But all around me

His dripping cloak of death still haunted

My yearning for him

Still pulled me

Spiraling towards the other side

Instead I smiled and pretended

But eventually my body betrayed me

And became deathly ill

Leaving no choice but to turn from you

At the approaching altar

.

So many times

She’s spoken what I couldn’t

In all-consuming

Self-destruction

.

What I wish I’d said

That I was terrified of your energetic penetration

Your constant appearance in my dream

Controlling, controlling

That I felt suffocation

And reminders of

Narcissistic domination

Forced violations

Despite your fair appearance

Probably from some Karmic tie

Your energy field reminded me of

I wish I would have told you

That’s why I impaled you

And roared away

.

What I wish I’d said

That yes, I very much liked you too

So much you don’t even know

But that I couldn’t do this, here, right now

That the fear of the amount of joy I felt around you

Only foreshadowed the depth of pain

And death

That would eventually come

Not knowing how or if I could make it through

Again

Not knowing if I could face

All the shit that might scream

While you hold me

Not knowing if I could deal with

The terror of the drama

And of being on the hotspring fishbowl stage

With all of the watchers

And whispers

And projections

Attempting to rip tender sprouts apart

.

So many times I looked at you

And wanted to say

But didn’t

Instead, I lied

I wasn’t disinterested

I was terrified

I was totally in love with you

.

And you

That no, I didn’t want to move quickly

That instead I’d rather share hearts and eyes

To not bypass these feral creatures begging

But I didn’t

And we crashed into each other

Our subconscious claws protecting, slashing

We crashed

And burned that shit to the ground

.

And you

How of course I wanted to kiss you

But what might be unleashed

These uncontrollable undertows

Haunting chains and misery

And whipping rage of eons ago

Busting through this flesh

I didn’t want you to see me

I didn’t want to see me

I didn’t want to slice you

I just couldn’t

So instead I turned away

.

And you

I wish I would have said

I am confused

By the energy you’re sending me

Is this a friendship, or a date?

I don’t really care

Can we just be clear here

So the shit doesn’t get squirrely

So my heart doesn’t start raging

At the back and forth and eventual ghosting

Of weird energies

And assumed needs

I wish we could just say it

I feel this energy

I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you

But a friendship would be fun

Or I can’t be in this connection right now

How hard is that to say

But how weird that neither of us said it

And instead

The magical vortex we danced in

You

Poof!

Disappeared into the mist

Another

.

And now

Here comes the same lesson

Frustrating but so similar

I almost have to laugh

You, like he, come close

We feel the energy, fire sparking

A short dance, intensity, closeness so palpable

We don’t talk about it

Your need for space

My need for communication

Shit gets weird

In silence

Claws out

And there you go

Gone

Again

.

What I wish I’d said

What I wish you’d said

When will we start talking

When will you start talking

When will I start talking

Stepping past the fear

And into what’s Real

I’m so hungry

For what I wish I’d said

Our Raw Heart

A late afternoon beam

Trickles through the canopy

Glowing redwood remains

Hush splintered in our wake

You stop and listen

To the leaves, falling

And silence, unfamiliar

Smiles between us

.

Further into the canyon

Of waiting fern-graced water trails

Jaws wiggling, diaphragms dancing

You ask me to go deeper

.

The space I land is remarkable

With these wounds, this heart

And the leaves, they fall

Your depths emerging, extending

And then silence, smiling, returns

.

I hold myself

And my spirals

Re-storying grand illusions

Into beauty and hope

But somehow, in this reflection

With the leaves falling all around you

I hear myself, in new ways

.

Many years on the mountain

Conversing with spider and brook

I’ve forgotten the medicine

Of humans

I put my heart

Beating, pulsing, a beacon

Out in between these bodies

And oddly, it’s held

Invisible webbing emerging from two

Deep waters, much solitude

And a bubbling wisdom of Nothingness

I step closer

Into the spiral core

And feel

.

Perhaps, this heart ponders

It is possible

Two humans

Can heal

As the leaves fall

As the world crumbles

As the core of ourselves and all reality

Is pierced, composted, rearranged

Perhaps, this heart, laughing

Watches, waiting

As I manage to step closer

Into its beating, pulsing

Knowing

Of what’s been true

All along

.

The Mother

Staring

At idealized images of your Love

I’m searching

Searching for the image, words

To describe the archetype

Of your dismembering embrace

.

The Mother

Quiet, inspiring teacher

Mistress of the inner realms

You

Were not Her

Or rather

You were Her

Reversed

.

Underworld

I seek the card for the Underworld

That of your smoke-shrouded throne

That of what hourly chants of death

Of haze filled raging

Pleas of victimhood

And bloody stomach incisions

Inspired, quietly

In these bones

.

This Mother

My Teacher

Upside down and hanging

Beneath the flowers

Beneath the waters

Beneath the calm, smiling Wand

Dripping in gore, ash

And decaying earth tendrils

Where is this Mother?

Not Death

But not Life

You who inspired, quietly

A passion

An obsession

A mission

To Die

.

The Mother

Mistress of internal Hell realms

The one who inspires

A twisted initiation

Quietly

By the life She “lives”

Surely

There’s a card

For

You?

.

Image credit: “Loki’s Brood” (1905) by Emil Doepler

Father Earth

Father Earth

How I yearn for your eyes to pierce me

For your arms, warm and generous

To hold me

Father Earth

With your hearty laugh, your contribution to the Land

Despite the Tragedy, your utter enjoyment

Of this dear life, this dear animal body

Father Earth

How I yearn to feel you close, steady

To watch your attunement to the fields

To experience your resonation with Her cycles

Knowing when to seed

Knowing when to caress

Father Earth

You have seen much, and learned through your impulsiveness

Enough to be here, by the fire of your own temple

Father Earth

How I long to be with you

To truly absorb your vibration

This counter-cultural maturation

This example, shimmering

Father Earth

May I one day

Feel your staff in my hand

Your laugh in my jiggling belly

Your bountiful riches

Flowing through me to assist

Your court, safe and deep

.

Father Earth

How I yearn for your eyes to pierce me

For your arms, warm and generous

To hold me

And

To let my Priestess

Hold you

Inside

~Image credit: https://www.pyreaus.com/tarot/pyreaus_tarot_court_Disks_Prince.htm

Brother Wind

Wind Brother

Brother Wind

Brother of the slashing sword

Slicing

Spinning

Sobbing

Amidst all of the noise

Universal Mind

Expansive

You who reach beyond, above

Yet unable

To form a plan

For your own, embodied life

.

Swirling

Spinning

Slashing

Holding back the darkness

Ideas, grand, so many

You cannot choose

You keep spinning

You keep slashing

You keep

Heaving

.

Wishing for calm

Wishing for the Core

Wishing to find your Way

To the soul heart

Your own Center

.

Body

That dear body

Carrying you

Carrying this electrified, pulsing antennae

It

Is calling you home

.

With pains, radiating

Below

In the very center of your being

Screaming

Pleading

For you to come down

For you to pay attention

For you to decide

.

Wind Brother

You are the lightning, brilliance

A champion to many causes

Aside from your own

.

Soul

Will you commit?

When

She asks

When She pleads

When She begs you, radiating

Will you come home

To be held

By Her

Center?

.

Brother Wind

Wind Brother

Brother of the slashing sword

May your power

Spiral inward

May your brilliance

Serve the soul

May your tired

And spinning

And slashing

And heaving

Heart

Come home

.

If you’d like to hear this poem recited aloud, go here: https://anchor.fm/raven417/episodes/Brother-Wind-e1oo7jv .

I suggest you gaze at the image while listening!

~Image credit: “Brother Wind” from Tarot of The Spirit by Pamela Eakins

Watchtower

These walls, now empty

Nonetheless, have eyes

Thick, steel enforced…

Peering

Materially, since 1952

In the cold heart of war

.

These eyes

Looking out

Across ancient untouched lands

Midden, perhaps, bone laden

Dappled with quickly vanishing

Wallflower, Lupine, lizard

Peering

Across and through the great ventana

Over this deep and sacred canyon

.

Watching

Inward, observing

These eyes have seen so much

The drilling military

Preparing for interception

Pacing, plotting, planning

These eyes watch them, suspicious

Watching

Watching

The West

.

Inward, observing

These eyes witness

The transformation

To changed attention

A new war, perhaps

The countless hours

Of impassioned hands, minds

Amidst the hum of suburban expansions

Tireless calculations, analyzations

Of this great mystery beyond the shore

Hoping to know

Hoping to understand

How she breathes

How she swallows

How she creates

And decades later

Inward observing

These eyes watch

The rush of divers

Assembling for

The scouring

Of this same blue Mystery

Swallowing

The clues to Denver’s demise

.

These eyes look out, and behind

Over lands

Separated by thick concrete

Watching over the divide

At Hundreds of burials

Over Grieving, releasing

Citizens of place, the recent ancestors

Remembering, honoring

It watches

It watches

.

A short shadow in comparison

To the adjacent pulsing light

Guiding, protecting the sea

This atomic proof sentinel

Watches nonetheless

Unacknowledged

Over lands and hearts and species

Its gates, protecting

Cradling the lands of hummingbird

And the rough and sandy microcosmic

Worlds of dune

.

Watchtower

Did the land rise up to create you?

A result of thousands of years

Of ancient worship, community, respect

Of bare feet honoring these shores, that Mystery

Before the Fall

Did the land rise up to create you

Impenetrable, solid

To see

To hold

To be

To Protect?

.

Watchtower

Sentinel

Watching over me

As young child, exploring

Tiny plump hands, I grip your gate

Looking up

And wonder

Have you always been here

Watching?

Will you always be here

Watching?

Protecting?

.

Whether regarded

With the cloak of history

To these eyes

In her-story

You are seen

You will always be sacred

You will always be

The protector, and perhaps someday teacher

Of these lands

The fortress

Now graced with the eyes of the Ocean

In her-story

You

Will always be

The

Watchtower

.

Thanks for tuning in to this series of poems honoring the NOAA building in Pacific Grove, CA. If you’d like to hear this poem recited, you can find an audio version here:

https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/GPYglr5jEtb

Toes

Chubby toes

Squirming in the tiny particles of dune

She giggles, warmed

Eyes raised to the

Shrill call of the overhead gull

.

Mother, at a distance yet here

Beneath and between these toes

She feels held

By the microcosmic worlds

Scratching between

Brushing over

A fair and childhood skin

.

Glancing, searching back

To uncertain ties

Her chubby toes take her forward

She the great adventurer

She amongst vast nature, calling

.

Coastal dune scrub

Sedge meadows

Salt grass flats

Iceplant figflesh squeezing between fingers

The large cement fortress, the castle

She smells, she tastes, she listens

.

She doesn’t know the names 

Of these beings

Of these worlds

Of the creepy crawlies working in the sands

She, an adventurer with chubby toes

.

She doesn’t know the bones

That lie beneath her

The fractured history 

Of peoples long forgotten

Or the quickly dissolving presence

Of lupine

And wallflower

Of bluebird

And perhaps, Cypress

She only touches, smells, hears

She only trusts

.

She doesn’t know

Its as if they will last forever

She, so small, cradled by their largeness

Ancient, pulsing, alive

She feels it all around her

And between 

.

She doesn’t know

She looks forward

To this ancient pulsing

To this web

Holding her

Being here

Forevermore

She doesn’t know

And she looks back towards her mama

That painful tie

And is grateful for this holding

Certain, generous, nourishing

She trusts

It will be here, forevermore

.

These chubby toes

Inside, grip the Shell avenue shag in fear

Alone and rocking

But here, outside

Her mama, soft and forgiving

This castle, mysterious

This ancient, pulsing 

Web

Holding her

Forevermore?

.

Chubby toes

Squirming in the tiny particles of dune

She giggles, warmed

Eyes raised

To the shrill call of the overhead gull

Mother, at a distance yet here

Beneath and between

These toes

.

If you prefer to hear this poem spoken out loud, join me here for a listen: https://anchor.fm/raven417/episodes/Toes-e1o38sa

Initiation: A Spoken Word Podcast

Greetings! Just wanting to share that I have begun to pay attention to the part of me that really wants to share my poetry verbally and with music accompanying it. There are only a few poems recorded on the Anchor podcast site, but I aim to add more each week. I also aim to use my own music versus the canned, but for now its pretty groovy to have such an easy option. If you are interested in tuning in, the site is below and I will also be linking at the end of my written posts if there is an associated recording. Enjoy if it aligns!

https://anchor.fm/raven417