Complex

Hidden beneath the thickness

Of mass, papery thin casings

I found you

Hidden in the gaping despair

Incongruent with trivialities

I found you

In the litany of ghostings

In the rage of suffocated voice

In the tears and vomit upon entwining

I found you

In the great lengths of distance

In decades of sadistic bodily torture

My own dear, terrified, feminine upon your cross

I found you

.

The clues, honestly

Have been there all along

Trailing me like some desperate sickly hound

Hoping, begging

To be noticed, transformed

How I walked the edge of death

Just to see if you’d appear

How I languished in purpose

Vacillating between grandiosity and nihilism

You

Were always there

Absent

.

How I wish it hadn’t taken me

This many decades to finally see

That I’m attracting you

Over and over

To feel and attempt to resolve

What may never be truly found

.

Underneath it all,

Whether mirrored in my own neurosis

Or in the eyes of the man at my door

I’ve found you

And me

And how it’s this work I’ll be doing forever

Hidden beneath the thickness

Of mass, papery thin casings

I found you

I found you

I found you

Daddy