It’s taken me a while
To accept the thing I’ve hated most–
That strange field surrounding this form
And its wyrd ways
Upon coming into contact
With you
.
Somehow
The electrons and wavelengths
Rotating auric realities
Arrange themselves
To raise the shadows
You
Don’t want to see
.
At one point
At many points
These invisible hoverings
Yours and mine
Were things I didn’t want to see
But with their repetition
This constant reverent attendance
Slowly
We’ve made friends
.
Deep, fast
Smiling
It’s not a conscious effort
I just watch as the charcoal-green-gray
Bubbles start to simmer
Between us
Their puckered, hollow seeking
Here they come again
.
Deep, Fast
Some people say this is my approach
The specters naturally raised
When two or more are gathered
Here
But it’s taken decades
Of hating it, always
Seeing over and over again
The things I didn’t ask to feel
The things I didn’t mean to insert
The things I’d rather not notice
Wishing for laughter, and ease
And that thing that people call
Casual relations
.
Deep, fast
Over the years I’ve seen it at work
Sometimes conscious
Often coyote
And after wrastling, resentful
Have come to learn how to hold
These particular reins in hand
How to be gentle
Self-reflecting
And true
.
Always
Learning
Responsible
I do my best to be responsible
With the unmet, yearning, screaming
Invisible creatures that emerge
That some part of you
And me
Contract to bring into light
But often
Mostly
As usual
These hungry ghosts, begging
Finally seen…
Are abandoned
.
Deep, fast
This creates a life of only few
Who stay
Who stay in the reverberating tension
Who stay to talk about
What they don’t want to feel
Who stay to explore
The mind-bending transformations
The unexplainable dissolutions
The terrifying Void
The sacred coagulations
That come to pass, sometimes within minutes, hours
Between us
.
Deep, fast
I now put that on my intake form
Preparing those who enter
Leaving them to choose
Isn’t it funny
The thing I always hated
The thing that seemed to keep me apart
Now, in my embrace
Is the thing that I am sought to provide?
.
Deep, fast
If you want to go deep, fast
If you want to hold on
Through a rocky but kickass ride
Braced and committed to presence
To speaking to what can be spoken
A hall of mirrors, tended
Meta meta meta
Shadows seeing shadows
To the best of your ability
Come in
My door is open
.
But watch your step as you enter
That first one
Is quite
A doozy
It’s deep
And fast
Letting Go 