From the beginning
This voice restrained
All the things, hovering, circling
All the things felt, unsaid
All the things feared
All the things shamed
All the things
Silenced
.
What I wish I’d said
.
Where did you go
And why didn’t you reach out to me
For so many years
Not even a word?
These little lips
Too young to know
How to lay down letters
And vulnerable abandoned fearful heart
How to weather the blow
When I saw you, your eyes guilty
I had no idea, the secrets you held
All I did was hug you and left those words
And slimy hisses
Beneath
.
What I wish I’d said
That I was still grieving
That I appreciated your rescue
But all around me
His dripping cloak of death still haunted
My yearning for him
Still pulled me
Spiraling towards the other side
Instead I smiled and pretended
But eventually my body betrayed me
And became deathly ill
Leaving no choice but to turn from you
At the approaching altar
.
So many times
She’s spoken what I couldn’t
In all-consuming
Self-destruction
.
What I wish I’d said
That I was terrified of your energetic penetration
Your constant appearance in my dream
Controlling, controlling
That I felt suffocation
And reminders of
Narcissistic domination
Forced violations
Despite your fair appearance
Probably from some Karmic tie
Your energy field reminded me of
I wish I would have told you
That’s why I impaled you
And roared away
.
What I wish I’d said
That yes, I very much liked you too
So much you don’t even know
But that I couldn’t do this, here, right now
That the fear of the amount of joy I felt around you
Only foreshadowed the depth of pain
And death
That would eventually come
Not knowing how or if I could make it through
Again
Not knowing if I could face
All the shit that might scream
While you hold me
Not knowing if I could deal with
The terror of the drama
And of being on the hotspring fishbowl stage
With all of the watchers
And whispers
And projections
Attempting to rip tender sprouts apart
.
So many times I looked at you
And wanted to say
But didn’t
Instead, I lied
I wasn’t disinterested
I was terrified
I was totally in love with you
.
And you
That no, I didn’t want to move quickly
That instead I’d rather share hearts and eyes
To not bypass these feral creatures begging
But I didn’t
And we crashed into each other
Our subconscious claws protecting, slashing
We crashed
And burned that shit to the ground
.
And you
How of course I wanted to kiss you
But what might be unleashed
These uncontrollable undertows
Haunting chains and misery
And whipping rage of eons ago
Busting through this flesh
I didn’t want you to see me
I didn’t want to see me
I didn’t want to slice you
I just couldn’t
So instead I turned away
.
And you
I wish I would have said
I am confused
By the energy you’re sending me
Is this a friendship, or a date?
I don’t really care
Can we just be clear here
So the shit doesn’t get squirrely
So my heart doesn’t start raging
At the back and forth and eventual ghosting
Of weird energies
And assumed needs
I wish we could just say it
I feel this energy
I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you
But a friendship would be fun
Or I can’t be in this connection right now
How hard is that to say
But how weird that neither of us said it
And instead
The magical vortex we danced in
You
Poof!
Disappeared into the mist
Another
.
And now
Here comes the same lesson
Frustrating but so similar
I almost have to laugh
You, like he, come close
We feel the energy, fire sparking
A short dance, intensity, closeness so palpable
We don’t talk about it
Your need for space
My need for communication
Shit gets weird
In silence
Claws out
And there you go
Gone
Again
.
What I wish I’d said
What I wish you’d said
When will we start talking
When will you start talking
When will I start talking
Stepping past the fear
And into what’s Real
I’m so hungry
For what I wish I’d said
Letting Go 