There was one thing you said
(It actually pissed me off at the time)
That I now see is true
“There’s such an intense pain-body around you”
.
I dismissed it
As your rationalization, jab
For why I didn’t want to be involved
A unicorn dancing once more
In a loveless matrimonial tie
.
While perhaps that’s correct
While perhaps a wise woman sensing
The statement you hoisted
That statement is true:
I
Like so many
Have an enormous, unexplainable field
An invisible armor, always at the ready
To attack
Anything that comes in too close
And reminds of unconscious catastrophy
Its hairs bristle, teeth expose
Protecting, protecting
.
Unable to manage, primal
Mind goes murky, tongue ties
Frustration sets in
As I feel the rage of eons
Simmering, thrashing in my field
.
She roars, silent
Recounting unintelligible
Trauma chants
Pushing like the crown
Too large to exit the canal
Nowhere to go
Wailing
(External trained and unrevealing)
Against her ancestral cage
.
To hold and dismantle these plates
Requires more
And to this point
I’ve found nothing
I don’t want to be your mistress
Your fill-in, rebound lay
This same repeating pattern
Pulling me into its spiral
To learn over and over again
.
I bump against it, attempting
And am taken down repeatedly
I back away
I slither
Away from this gigantic roaring hoarde
Ignoring, avoiding
Ignoring, avoiding
In my temple
Of ritual and aloneness
.
Pretty good
At controlling
This pain body activation
Only marginally triggered by passersby
But when You come in close
When you completely step over Her line
(Most just avoid Her quills)
Here I am
Aware of Her pulsing, raging, fiery breath
Dominating and confusing reality
Taking over
Emanating miasmic sludge
My power lost, understanding decimated
Head hung low
Cup clanking on prison steel
Each time
She’s here waiting for me
For You
.
This pain body, hovering, enmeshed
Ironically
I’ve attended others’ for so long
But Her? Rarely do I hold Her, fully
Explore Her, listen to Her
How could I?
Like the Void, She’s massive and yet elusive
Nothing’s prepared me for this task
I stay safe, in patterns and routines
Of nun-monkhood
While She waits, simmering
Simmering
.
This Pain Body
When You come in close
When You completely step over Her line
(Most just avoid Her quills)
Here I am
Aware of Her pulsing, raging, fiery breath
Dominating and confusing reality
Taking over
.
It’s true
Letting Go 