Free me
From the old, outdated
Despotic government
Within my own tissues
The linear
Rule and fear based
Trajectory decision
Making factories
Housed within
.
Free me from the fear
That I will have nothing
Beyond worrying about food
If I eat enough to not be starving
Beyond the plotting, planning
.
Free me from the fear
Of feeling too full
Of old, archaic terrors
I’ve no real understanding of
Nor skill of navigating through
Alone
.
Free me from feeling unattended
Lost
Abandoned
With this struggle
Unmet and misunderstood
.
Free me from eating less
In fear of all of this terrifying mystery
Arising
In fear of whatever this is
That keeps me in this hidden
Non-emergency
Yet ever-whittling
Cycle
Of depending on measuring spoons
And calories
And minutes
To hold me
To hold it
At bay
.
Free me
From whatever it is
That keeps me focused on this
And distracted
From the fullness
Of what I could be living
Of what I really desire
Of the sheer and overwhelming
Vision manifested
.
FREEDOM
Would look like
Truly feeling my body tell me its hungers
Truly knowing what would feed it
Truly giving myself that
Truly knowing when it is enough
Truly feeling the result of a met desire
Satiation
My
Little
Girl
Fed
.
Her
Beyond the calories
And meal plans
And minutes
And cups
And measuring spoons
And fear of fullness
And orchestrating my whole entire fucking existence
Around this constant
Fear
Of fullness
Around this constant
Fear
Of…
Freedom?
.
Some days
When I haven’t just collapsed into numbness
Of just accepting that this
Is
all
there
is
I pray so hard
So goddamned hard
The spit chokes me
I pray so goddamned hard
For something to support me
In this unimaginable transformation
One it seems I have tried
Every position of attempt
And arrived at
Nothing
.
Covered in this slimy residue
Of grievings
I wail
FREEDOM
I want it so bad
To hear this desire
Spontaneous
To know how to feed it
To feel myself feeding it
To feel myself feeling full of it
To feel myself enjoying that fullness
.
This
FREEDOM
Is it possible
Is it possible
Is it possible
To feel something
Beyond this?
.
I’m praying
Again
I’m wailing
Again
I’m risking
Your complete and utter
Lack of response
Again
I’m crying out
Anyway
To you.
.
~Written for “Liberty: Breath, Death, Soul” ed. Pamela Eakins. If you’d like to view or purchase this literary collection, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Liberty-Sisters-Holy-Pamela-Eakins/dp/B098GV1D19
Letting Go 